Snickers is dlisted's hot slut of the day!

Quoth Michael K:

Pussies pumpin' like champs!

He also referred to her dance moves as Crotch du Soleil. That's why he gets paid the big bucks.

ain't no party like a Guido party!

I'm all ready with my cheap white zin from Walmart (yes, the same bottle from last week, I'm no alkie!)...let's start the show! I hear there's some sort of Jersey Shore drinking game, but I won't be participating because I want to live.

They're recapping the first episode happenings which involved Snickers "being on the outcast" and DJ Douchebag whipping out his pierced penis for JWoww's viewing pleasure.
When we actually last left the Guidos, there was trouble in paradise between Ronnie and Sammi who both flirted with other Guidos at Club Grease and retaliated by either getting Guido phone numbers or possibly sleeping with Guido roommates.

Why is Angelina still in the credits? I thought she quit that bitch? Oh wait, no, she got fired.

Anyhoo, Ronnie is walking home in his d-bag t-shirt mad about the events at Club Grease. He says he started freaking the girl after he saw Sammi talking to another Guido. She then retaliated to his freakdancing by giving said Guido her number.

While Ronnie stews at the Guido Palace, the rest of the roommates freakdance other Guidos. JWoww says she's going back to the palace to make sure Ronnie (and his Guido penis) isn't alone.

Sammi gets the news that Ronnie "left with JWoww" (which isn't really how it happened), she gets upset and leaves Club Grease to beat some ass at the Guido Palace. Ronnie is laying in his bed face down and JWoww is on the other bed and Sammi walks in and says, "did you guys hook up?" They clearly didn't, but she's mad that he was dancing with another girl.

He chases her to an upstairs bathroom and they argue over who offended the other Guido first. They are going back and forth with thick Jersey accents about how they're breaking each other's hearts. She says it's no joke how she feels about him. When did his pants come off? I swear he was wearing shorts when Sammi got to the palace, but now he's in a towel. After much back and forth and overuse of the word "seriously," they cry and hug and appear to be Guidos in love once again.

Elsewhere, the Situation and DJ Douchey brought home some klassie ladies and told them to hopin the hot tub. They both get in and are making out with their respective hos. The Situation says, "I'm hookin' up with my girl, he's hookin' up with his girl. We're having sex. That's the situation."

They head upstairs to beds that are NEXT TO EACH OTHER (!!!) and start macking on their hos. DJ Douchetard interviews that his girl is on her period, so there will be no sex, but he's cool with that. The Situation is still working on getting. it. on. with his ho, but period girl says she wants to go home and the other one needs to go with her. The Situation protests "Freckles McGee's" cockblocking maneuver, but to no avail. Both hos left the boys with greasy blue balls.

Commercial. When we come back, another set of Shore Whores shows up to possibly service the Situation and DJ Doucheballs.

And we're back! Sammi and Ronnie are cuddling in post-coital bliss telling each other how wonderful they are. Sammi interviews that she's happy they're OK now, but is worried that it's gonna be bad later on in the day. She's mostly worried that the resident Shore Whore, JWoww, will try to hook up with Ronnie.

JWoww called her bf, who is still mad about her pierced Guido penis sighting, and decides that she's not gonna whore it up on the shore. Yeah right.

Later that day, Ronnie and Sammi are working together and Sammi interviews that it's awkward. Ronnie noticed that something was up with Sammi, but didn't know what it was. She interviews that she's bad with relationships and is nervous. Ronnie goes to check on her and she says she's in a funk. He interviews that maybe she's nervous because she doesn't want to get played like she did in the past. After work, they walk home together greasy arm in greasy arm.

Back at the Palace, she interviews that she and Ronnie are falling in love. Then they head upstairs and have Guido sex. When the big moment happened, the editors helpfully put in footage of fireworks.

Commercial. When we come back, the Situation flashes the Situation (his abs, grossbags) at some chicks at Club Grease and Snickers does backflips whilst wearing a skirt with no panties...oh yeah, and she gets punched in the face by a drunk Guido, but we don't get to see it. By the way, this wine is making this go by so fast!

And we're back!

It's raining on the shore, so the boys decide to go out for haircuts, tans, and a workout. At the barber shop, the Situation and DJ Douchebag give Ronnie a hard time for going back on his "don't fall in love at the Shore" word. They demand details of the Guido sex, but he isn't talking. Aw. A gentleguido.

Later that night, Snickers says Club Grease is her spot and she's gonna go wild. And she says "go wild" she means it. No, that's what she said. She was backflipping and humping the floor and freaking every Guido and Guidette in sight. JWoww is impressed.

Commercial. When we come back, maybe we'll get to the Shore Whore drama?

And we're back! The Guidos are onstage at Club Grease popping bottles of champagne on the commoners. Then, they demonstrate how to properly fist pump. You see, it starts on the ground because the beat is hitting them and they're beating it back. That was deep.

After all that hot fist-pumping action, DJ Douchedick freaks JWoww and interviews that he's not trying to fall in love on the Jersey Shore, he's just trying to hook up. He finds some random ho on the dance floor and makes out with her for a little bit. The Situation is trying to get two Shore Whores (one of whom looks to be about 15) to go back to the Palace with them. Whilst walking home with the Shore Whores from the club, they see two girls in a convertible who they deem to be better looking than the gutter trash they were bringing home, so they ditched them and picked up on the other girls.

The first set of whores was mad and left, but the Guidos didn't care, because they thought they hit the Guidette jackpot.

Snickers, meanwhile, is getting a piggyback ride from a Guido who she thinks is named Ron. The editors helpfully flashed a graphic of his real name: Russ.

Back at the house, the Situation and DJ Douchey are eating a giant pizza with the two hos from the convertible who protested the Situation's suggestion that they hit the hot tub.

Snickers, is still wandering the Shore with Russ/Ron, and is lost, so they give up and go to the beach.

Back to the house again (I wish they would stop doing jumping back and forth like this), the original Shore Whores show up at the Guido Palace and call them outside. I don't think the convertible hos know about this.

Commercial. When we come back: Snickers gets punched in the face.

And we're back! The girls ask if the boys are going to invite them in, and they think it's a good idea because the convertible girls won't put out. They tell the OG hos that they're much cuter than the second set of hos they picked up. They believe this, and wait for the Guidos to kick the other hos out.

They brought them up to the roof to the hot tub and DJ Douchewad's girl said she had to pee, so he took her downstairs. While that's going on, the Situation says one of the girls is "more cuter," and it's definitely his girl. He calls the other girl "a grenade" and DJ Doucheface deems her to be "busted." He says he'll "take one for the team" so the Situation can get some.

DJ Douchehair says he can't stand the grenade. When they were going up to the hot tub, DJ Douchey lagged behind and ditched the Situation with the two Shore Whores. The grenade is being annoying, so the Situation "flees the scene" with his ho. They head to his room and are under the covers when the grenade shows up and announces that she's leaving. She also tells her friend, "you don't want to do this!"

DJ Douche was all, "dude, I can only entertain the girl for so long, you gotta work faster! The hot tub, the bed, then you're done!"

Oh man, Snickers woke up on the beach with Russ/Ron and said it was nice to wake up with him, but she didn't get any, so it was a waste of time.

When we come back: Snickers is crying about something other than getting punched in the face. This wine is working in more than one way. It's making the show more enjoyable than usual, but it's also making me SOOOOOOOO TIRED! I hope I can make it!

And we're back!

It's morning and the duck phone is quacking. JWoww's bf calls and says Russ/Ron reported that she was freaking DJ Douchetard all night. She protests and says it's not true (while footage of them grinding greasy parts plays). She says they danced for like 5 minutes and deems Russ/Ron to be a d-bag. She complains to Snickers who agrees that there was nothing sexual about her shoving her ass into another man's crotch. Snickers tells him to call the bf back and tell him it was no big deal. She calls him and is all confrontational and says she was battle dancing with him to house music. Snickers gets on the duck phone and says they were battle dancing, so he needs to chill out. She interviews that she doesn't get why she stays with her bf if they're fighting all the time.

Later on, Snickers' friend comes to visit. Oh wait, it's her mom. I should have known, she was covered up. She takes her mom to the shore where they hop on the skyride and chat. She misses her mom because they're best friends forever. She declares that she's "like, growing." Maybe it's true, because she realizes that she can't find a quality guy on the Shore. After a nice day talking and hanging out, her mom leaves and Snickers cries. A lot. Her mom is like, her best friend. For reals.

Commercial. No preview. It was a serious moment, apparently, which shouldn't be ruined by footage of her almost getting punched in the face. How many straight-to-DVD American Pie movies are they gonna make?

And we're back! Man, I am fading fast! This does not bode well for my trip to Reno this weekend, haha. Anyhoo, back at the house, the Guidos are hitting the boardwalk for midway games and rides, before heading to a bar. Snickers interviews that she feels like part of the family now. She tells some random Guido that she hasn't had sex yet since she's gotten to the shore.

There were dudes that were "grubbing drinks" off the Guidos according to Vinny. Vinny called them "typical college losers." These guys were stealing drinks from the Guidos and Snickers tells them to stop taking their drinks. The drunkest of the group didn't like being told to stop stealing drunks, so he punched Snickers in the face and made a run for it, right into the arms of a waiting police officer while every other dude in the bar was all, "dude, did you hit a girl!?!?!?!" Even one of his d-bag friends was outraged.

As he was being handcuffed, the d-bag claimed he had just been punched in the face. Not quite.

Anyhoo, next week, there will be more drama following the face-punch that we saw a million times online, but weren't allowed to see tonight. Ronnie's mom comes to town and JWoww gets in a fight at Club Grease.

That's it for me! See ya next week for more greasy Guido action!

Oh, and for the record, I only drank one glass of wine! In totally unrelated news, I'm watching Real Housewives right now and Slade referred to the "bogs" in the Everglades as "blogs."

we won't see Snickers get punched in the face next week

MTV is pretending to take the high road (after showing the punch in previews about a million times) and is editing out footage of her being punched in the face by a Guido. The guy is apparently a school teacher. I hope he gets fired.

It's Guido time!

I can say that because this show is about self-professed Guidos.

Anyhoo, I replaced my Two Buck Chuck White Zin with some random $1.97 White Zin from Walmart. I know, evil empire, blah blah blah, but I needed some cheap wine and was already there for the cheap CranApple.

Last week on Jersey Shore, the Guidos and Guidettes got drunk, got tanned, got pumped, and got into Guido fights. I assume not much will change this week.

We start tonight's episode in the kitchen with Ronnie, DJ Doucheface, and JWoww. The guys tell her she made out with DJ Douche and his tribal tattoos. She doesn't believe them, but we all know the truth since we watched them tongue wrestle on the greasy dancefloor and go back to the d-bag's bed where he whipped out his penis and she retired for the night.

Elsewhere, at the t-shirt shop, the Situation interviews that he doesn't care that Sammi made out with Ronnie because he can get whatever girl he wants. He tells her he's cool with what went down and then tells her she looks pretty. She's like, "that's cool," and he interviews that that was all part of his master plan. He's gonna make her want him and then reject her.

Back at the house, Snickers is sucking on a pickle. Really, that's what she's doing.


See? Quality hat to go along with the pickle-sucking action. She's a klassie lady.

Now we're at the t-shirt shop again and Ronnie is flirting up a storm with Sammi while the Situation tries to pretend he's totally OK with it. They walk home hand in hand and the Situation walks about 5 steps in front of them awkwardly looking back every 15 seconds.

After they get home, Ronnie goes to JWoww to ask for some advice about what to do about the Situation. He says that making out and holding hands in front of him isn't making him back off, so he wonders aloud if he should beat off in front of him. What a weird thing to say.

Commercial: coming up, JWoww's boyfriend sends her flowers and DJ Doucheface says he's a chump.

And we're back! JWoww is waiting for her boyfriend and their mutual friend Jay. He gives her roses as she interviews that she feels horrible...you know, because of the whole making out with another Guido thing. DJ Douchehair says if he was JWoww's boyfriend, he would dump her because she dances like a slut and makes out with guys like him. Because JWoww's bf hasn't seen the skank signs, he deems him to be a sucker.

Elsewhere, Angelina is on the duck phone with her boyfriend and is upset that he might not come to visit her at the house of hair gel.

Later that night, the champion fist-pumper whose name escapes me right now is putting on a tie saying that he wants to "class it up" at the Guido club tonight.

At the club, Angelina breaks up with her boyfriend...well, he broke up with her, then she pulled the ol', "well I wanted to break up with you first" routine. Then she chased after him. Wait, what? Snickers just said that Angelina's boyfriend is getting a divorce. KLASSIE!

While that was going down, I forgot to mention that Snickers ran into some past hookup before, and interviewed that she was happy to see him because she can take him back to the house of hair gel and "get [her] fix."

Commercial. Coming up: the boss/landlord is feeling disrespected by one of the Guidettes. Is there any other way to feel when in the presence of any of these people? In unrelated news, I'm not drinking this cheap wine fast enough. It's not that bad, actually. Of course, I am a connoisseur of "what's on sale," so what do I know?

And we're back!

Angelina left the club after getting dumped, I mean, dumping her married boyfriend. The duck phone rings and it's her now ex-boyfriend. She keeps saying she doesn't want to talk to him. Ronnie answered the phone and relayed the message, when he ran back and said she didn't want to talk to him, he told Ronnie to tell her to "get on the fucking phone." So he actually yelled at her to get on the fucking phone. She didn't and continued to ignore the calls coming through on her cell phone, too.

Elsewhere in the house, JWoww is laying in bed with her boyfriend who asked her if she cheated on him. Maybe he isn't a sucker after all. Well, he probably is, because she said she didn't and he believed her. She said she didn't tell him about "Pauly" because it wasn't worth losing him. She does realize this is a TV show, right? He's gonna see it.

Commercial. Coming up: Ronnie dirty dances with a Guidette at the club who is not Sammi. Sammi ain't havin' it! Of course this show is brought to you by Body Heat cologne in a can.

And we're back! The Situation made some thick ass burned up pancakes. They looked totally gross. Anyhoo, they're all gossiping about Angelina's married boyfriend. Vinnie left for his shift at the t-shirt shop and Angelina, who was supposed to work with him, stayed behind because there is just too much drama to handle. She's sitting around the grease palace coughing as if that's the same thing as calling in sick. She finally gets off her ass to go to the t-shirt shop to tell them she doesn't want to work. The manager on duty is like, "why didn't you call?" "I'm sick, like seriously, when you're sick, like seriously?" Vinny (my bad, he spells it with a 'y') is like, "her excuse is lame."

After being read the riot act, Angelina interviews that she doesn't have to do what she doesn't want to do and she doesn't care what anyone thinks. She fake coughs as she leaves whining that it was common courtesy for her to even walk over there an hour after her shift started to lie about being sick.

Danny, the owner of the house and the shop, shows up at the house to find out what's up with Angelina. She runs into the bathroom and demands that he talk to her in there. He refuses because he's not a 12 year-old. She turns on the shower and ignores him, so he tells her she's fired and has to pack up her aqua net and hoochie-wear and leave.

She does the whole, "I was gonna quit first" thing and interviews, "I am so pissed off! I just want to leave!" Mind you, she never talked to Danny, she just sat in the bathroom with the shower running while he fired her. I guess she thinks that if she didn't respond, it never really happened.

Commercial. I missed what's coming up next because I was so shocked about her using the "I was gonna quit you first" excuse twice in less than 24 hours. Do you think she's gonna pretend nothing happened and show up at work for her next shift? I can't decide.

And we're back! JWoww interviews that Angelina was fired and totally disrespected Danny. Angelina, of course, sees things differently and is acting like it was her choice to leave.

DJ Douche interviews that she's an idiot for leaving the Jersey Shore in August. She also tried to get them to convince her to stay (which again, even if they wanted her to stay, which they don't, it's not really up to any of them, is it?) and none of them took the bait.

During her exit interview, she said, "I know I'm fun, I know I'm great, but I just couldn't do it here."

The second she pulled out of the driveway, the roommates rejoiced in her leaving because they were sick of her drama-seeking antics. They even raised a glass of the finest boxed wine Jersey has to offer to celebrate.

Later, JWoww calls her boyfriend and sighs loudly when he asks her what happened. She says she "made a mistake at the club." He sighs and says, "so do you want to break it off?" "No, I love you." CLICK. DIAL TONE.

Sammi's like, "eff the boyfriend, she's a single girl at the Jersey Shore!" JWoww goes downstairs and says they broke up and it's a bad idea her being single on the Jersey Shore. DJ Douche interviews that now she can hook up with him guilt free.

Commercial. Coming up: we might actually get to see the dirty dancing incident at Club Grease.

And we're back! Snickers is at some bar with a friend of hers named Ryder. They're sitting at the bar doing the sorority girl dance. You know that dance. They play with their hair and wave their arms around wildly above their heads. The bar was super-empty, by the way, so it was clearly the happenin' place to be. They left and played synchronized wedgie picking on their way down the pier.

Back at the house, Ronnie tells the Situation that he and Sammi are going mini-golfing. The Situation runs into Snickers and her friend and says they should all get in the hot tub together and interviews that Ryder is decent-looking. He goes upstairs where Sammi is to tell her he's cool about her going out with Ronnie and says, "they invited me into the hot tub with them," which is the exact opposite of what happened. He's so sad and lonely.

Meanwhile, Ronnie and Sammi are enjoying a fun night at a mini golf place and Ronnie interviews that they're together now and he's happy. Upon their arrival at the house, the Situation runs up to the roof to tell everyone that the guest room is locked up. Which can only mean one thing: Guido sex! Over in the hot tub, Snickers starts making out with Ryder "because boys like that." Crocodile lesbian! Then she makes out with the Situation who seems to have never seen two girls make out before. He looked like a kid meeting Santa for the first time.

Back in the Guido guest room, Ronnie and Sammi are cuddling and talking about how wonderful this whole situation is and how they never expected to hook up with each other. Well, we know that won't last long.

Commercial. Coming up: Oh dear lord. An aftershow. I don't think I'll be recapping that, only because I have to get up in the morning for work. And it's mostly going to revolve around Angelina who did nothing but cockblock and tell us how great she was. In more unrelated news: this wine is making me sleepy.

And we're back! The Situation is cooking dinner for the gang of Guidos. He tells DJ Douchebag to start the grill. DJ Dumbass interviews, "I put the charcoal in, I hooked up the gas, and it won't start!" I say, "wait, you put charcoal in a gas grill?"

The Situation walks out to see what the problem was and lights the grill, not noticing the charcoal, apparently. Within minutes, the grill was on fire and the Situation was all, "yo, we could all blow up." Ya think?

After that was taken care of (with a fire extinguisher), the Guidos hit up Club Grease where Ronnie makes out with Sammi and she gushes about what a great kisser he is.

Ronnie starts dancing and Sammi can't find him, so he starts talking to some guy called "the cop." Because he's a cop. She sees Ronnie dancing up on some skank, soe instead of saying something to him, she gives the cop her phone number. JWoww sees this and tells Ronnie to "check [his] girlfriend" because she's disrespecting him. I guess she would know about that. Ronnie takes off all mad, so JWoww follows after him so he won't be alone.

Someone helpfully tells Sammi that Ronnie left with JWoww and she runs home to beat her ass.

Next week: Snickers gets punched in the face by a Guido (not one of the roommates), Sammi and Ronnie fight about a possible hookup with JWoww, and DJ Douchehair McIdiotpants and the Situation book dates with too many Guidettes. There are two upstairs and two downstairs and they don't know what they're going to do! This sounds like a plot from the Brady Bunch.

Anyhoo, I'm out! It ain't easy being greasy! Ay! Fuggetaboutit!

MTV ain't changin' nothin' for NOBODY!

FIST PUMP!!!

Seriously, I don't really get the outrage. It's not like MTV is called the show "Guido House" or anything. They call themselves Guidos! As such, MTV isn't changing Jersey Shore to appease the critics.

RW/RR Challenge Liveblogging! The Finale! Woo!

I was originally planning to drink some wine before liveblogging, but it appears that some jerks drank all of it. Well, they drank the White Zin and spilled the Merlot. Luckily, it was Two Buck Chuck, so it can easily be replaced before the Guido-fest tomorrow night. I have wonderful taste in wine.

Anyhoo, I'm super tired and hope I can make it through the finale. Hopefully, my Light Cran-Apple will get me through the night...

What am I going to do on Wednesdays now? Glee's off until April. APRIL! Damn you, American Idol! I shake my fist at you! That's right! My fist!

Anyhoo, here we go!

When we last left off, the boys were all mad that Casey went home and they have to compete against 2 girls. I don't understand why they're so mad because they take every opportunity to tell us that girls are useless.

They're recapping the whole season and I really don't care. You all know what happened. People were douches, people got sent home, and the rookies got creamed and are going into the finale with 2 girls...who are suddenly the scariest thing ever.

Cue lame credits.

And we're back! Johnny and Evan are playing some homoerotic game involving Johnny Ballsack bent over with his pants pulled down and Evan throwing something at his ass. They took the action to another room and poured hot wax on each other for some reason. Derek is trying to sleep and is very confused by their new kinky relationship.

Susie, meanwhile, can do nothing but tell us how annoyed she is to be the only girl left on a team full of immature d-bags.

The next day, Derek tells the lovers how much he misses his family and Susie hangs out with Sarah and KellyAnne and says she wishes they were on her team. Susie tells them how the boys will tell her how worthless she is throughout the final challenge. Hey, she must watch this show! She says they better be nice or she might just give up.

The boys are in their love den talking about how Susie is "OBVIOUSLY going to be [their] slowest player." Derek says he's tired of hearing all this "crybaby talk" and interviews that she'll be just fine. Kenny interviews that he's worried about Susie, too, because he backs up his boy, Johnny Ballsack. Don't tell Evan, I don't want him getting jelliss. His relationship with Ballsack is so new!

Commercial.

And we're back!

Ballsack and Kenny are being d-bags to Sarah as always. Sarah needs to just leave the room instead of trying to argue with them. Kenny interviews that it's part of the game, and says they're just trying to get into her head. He and Ballsack are major assholes, in case you didn't notice. Evan tells her to leave, but doesn't bother telling his asshole friends to shut up, so I think we know where his loyalties lie.

Later on, they go into the room where she's sitting and Kenny calls her fat and says she's a freak because of her tattoos. He then busts out the old moped joke (he'd ride it, but wouldn't want his friends to see him). How has he not been punched in the face yet?

The next day, Susie is telling Derek how dumb Johnny Ballsack is for running around telling the house that Susie is worthless and will lose the mission for them. Derek is like, "oh, come on Susie! Come on!" Do any of the guys in this house have the balls to tell Ballsack and Kenny to shut their traps? I hope they lose, but I doubt MTV would show a preview with them whining about how the girls are ahead by a half a mile and then actually let them win. We'll see...

Commercial. Did you know that Morgan Freeman was born to play Nelson Mandela? I didn't. I thought he was born to do voiceovers for Olympic-themed credit card commercials that make people cry.

And we're back! They're playing sad music while Sarah whines to Susie about how Kenny and Ballsack pick on her and she wants them to stop. Susie interviews that Sarah really shouldn't be crying over them because they're the scum of the earth. She didn't say that last part, but we know she meant it.

Later on, Evan is hanging out with Susie and laughing at how the other team is two girls. He says she needs to get over the fact that she's on a team with a bunch of d-bags and make it work. She agrees only to not talk about it anymore and says, "can't we just agree that he's (Johnny Ballsack) an asshole?" He says everyone can agree to that.

Even later on, the boys are hitting the treadmill and weights hard. Evan's like, "uh, I hope you have some gas left in the tank for tomorrow." Ballsack and Kenny are talking about the challenge like it's the Olympics or something. I guess this is sort of a big deal for these people since they apparently only do these challenges instead of getting real jobs.

Commercial. There's a commercial saying the next Challenge will be in space. I wish they would shoot these morons into space. Stop teasing me, MTV.

And we're back! Sarah and KellyAnne are psyching each other up for the challenge. Sarah would love nothing more than to win and rub it in all their faces and laugh and call them goons. Goons is really the best she could come up with.

Susie interviews that she's good as long as Johnny Ballsack shuts his mouth, but says that the second he starts complaining, she's sitting down. Please let that happen.

Kenny, meanwhile, is putting paint on his face and yelling "show! no! mercy!". Again, like it's an actual worthwhile athletic competition.

At the challenge, TJ explains that there are a bunch of checkpoints showing them what to do, blah blah blah. His voice is way too monotone for this kind of show. I don't know why they keep bringing him back. Johnny Mosely was annoying, but better than this guy.

Anyhoo, the gong has been rung and the moron race has begun. Kenny interviews that they wanted to beat the girls to the checkpoint and demoralize them. The first checkpoint involves eating large plates of bugs. Ballsack whines about having to eat bugs. Sarah and KellyAnne are charging through while the d-bag posse is vomiting with each bite. Kenny interviews that he feels like he's eating the asshole of the dirtiest bum he's ever seen. Interesting admission this late in the game. While the 5 member team continues to struggle, the girls are finished and take off to the next checkpoint.

Commercial. Have I mentioned how bad Avatar looks?

And we're back! Ballsack interviews that this whole situation is "completely demoralizing." The girls get to the second checkpoint and they are told to choose their own path. The d-bags show up well after them (at least it seems like that) and are all confused about which way to go and make a wrong turn. The girls get to a puzzle and start working on it.

The d-bags figured out where they went and start working on their puzzle, but are arguing with each other. The girls finish and smartly break their puzzle down so the d-bags can't copy it (which has happened on past challenges). The girls take off while the d-bag posse continues to argue. The girls have collected 2 "artifacts" and are now about to crawl through a mudpit on their way to whatever the next checkpoint is.

KellyAnne and Sarah make their way through only to find that they have to crawl back the other way. They're both covered in mud and are returning their artifact as they cross paths with the girls again. They're totally annoyed that they're behind and decide to carry Susie rather than let her run on her own power.

They ran to some sort of bamboo maze thing instead of the mudpit and Sarah and KellyAnne are already there taking their time. The d-bags keep falling off while they keep at it. The d-bags are talking shit to them trying to get them to fall. Sarah ignores them and keeps on truckin'.

The d-bags seem to think they're making up time here, even though they're behind by a full artifact. Kenny interviews that they just "smoked" KellyAnne and Sarah, who probably are taking way too long on this bamboo thing. Sarah says she's getting worried and wants to scream at her, but she doesn't want to make her fall.

Commercial. Oh hell to the na! Drama on Jersey Shore tomorrow! Sammi and Ronnie's new relationship is on the rocks when he's dancing with another guidette at the Greaseball Factory!

And we're back!

Those d-bags have caught up and Sarah is getting anxious. She knows those d-bags are used to being in mudpits (because they're pigs) and wants KellyAnne to pick up the g-d pace. She finally finishes and they're off. They have 4 out of 5 artifacts now and she says they can win if they just keep it together. Susie is slowing them down in the mud. Evan complains about Susie and the d-bags are all nervous as the girls show up with their artifact at the same time.

The last thing is some weird puzzle that I'm too dumb to figure out. Sarah says her eyes can't focus, let alone her brain, but she pretty much calls KellyAnne a dumbass and decides that she needs to figure it out herself. Please, if there is a God, let the girls figure the puzzle out.

KellyAnne interviews, "this is a real mind game, and I'm starting to panic."

Over on the d-bag side, Susie says they're depending on her and Evan to figure the puzzle out. Meanwhile, Sarah and KellyAnne are sitting there looking confused while Susie figures it out. Ballsack finally decides that Susie is in it to win it. They destroy their solved puzzle and run off while KellyAnne and Sarah feel like failures. If they don't finish in 30 minutes, they have to carry one of the puzzle pieces with them. They don't, and run off with the puzzle pieces.

They still have to get the artifact back in place and run the last leg of the race. They think they might still have a chance to catch the d-bags, who are carrying Susie again. Three of the guys are carrying her, which doesn't seem like the fastest way to go about these things. We'll see, I guess.

Commercial. I'm just gonna call it: I think the d-bags will win and be supreme assholes about it.

And we're back!

They're running and Sarah and KellyAnne are tired, but determined to keep going. The d-bags are slowing down, but are being supportive of Susie and it looks like they've stopped carrying her. God dammit.

I told you those d-bags would win. All the boys hug each other and eventually remember to hug Susie, too. The girls show up, what doesn't seem like too much later than the boys. KellyAnne says she wants to cry and feels defeated.

The d-bags actually clapped for them as they ran into the Ruins "arena" or whatever it is. Derek interviews that they were some of the best girl competitors he's ever seen. Oh, come on, Derek. Why'd you have to add that "girl" into the sentence? They were like a minute behind. I've seen teams loaded with dudes finish like an hour behind. When did the boys get into spandex bike shorts? Were they wearing those the whole time?

Sarah is a crying mess, but she's leaving with $17,700 and needs to stop crying.

Oh please. Kenny and Derek just told each other they weren't doing another challenge ever. Derek says this is his third win in a row and he's dedicating it to his baby.

I don't care enough about Kenny, Evan, and Ballsack to recap what they think about winning while emo music plays in the background. I'm assuming there's a reunion next week. I'll watch, there will be no liveblogging. Unless a fight breaks out, in which case, I'll break in with updates.

It's been real! See ya next challenge!

The Guidos are in danger!

They're receiving death threats because they're giving Italians a bad name. I'm no expert on Italian stereotypes, but I don't think making death threats is helping the Italian brand very much, either.

Jersey Shore liveblogging!!!

So far, the only thing I know about this show is that it's a house full of Guidos and people are complaining that it's racist against Italian-Americans. I don't know, these people signed up for it and seem pretty proud of themselves. I guess we'll find out.

OK, we're here! I missed a few seconds, but so far, this one Guido with the hair, Pauly D, just called himself a Guido and says his life is about tanning and doing his hair. He has Gotti hair. Well, they're Guidos, so I guess it makes sense.

Next up is Nicole aka "Snooki". Her life goals involve tanning and marrying a Guido. You know, I was worried that calling these people Guidos would be offensive, but they keep calling themselves Guidos, so I'm over it.


The next Guido is Mike aka "the Situation". He calls himself that because his "abs are so ripped, they're called 'the Situation'". He says Guidos are good looking Italian men..."girls love Guidos!"

Sammi "Sweetheart" says her mission is to find the hottest Guido and take him home. "If you're not a Guido, you can get the fuck out of my face." I need that bumper sticker.

Vinny and his eyebrows are up next. He says he's different than the tanned Gotti Guidos. He's into pumping his fist like a maniac because he's proud to be a Guido. I wonder if he'll fight with the other Guidos with the tans and hair gel.

Jenni "JWoww" says she's like a preying mantis and will rip a (Guido?) man's head off after she has sex with him. Because she's a klassie lady, she's not gonna let the fact that she has a boyfriend get in the way of her sexing it up with Guidos. Oh, and girls are haters because she's so glamorous.

Ronnie is a beefcake Guido. He says he can't be with a girl who doesn't look prettier than him. I think he thinks that's hard to do. I don't. He also classily added that it's all about getting laid. "You just take your shirt off and they come to you...it's like flies coming to shit." Awesome.

Angelina calls herself the Kim Kardashian of the Jersey Shore. She says she's gonna show the rest of the housemates what it's like to be a real Guidette.

They're all freaking out about how they can't wait to get to the Jersey Shore. Oh man. In the previews, the Guidos are all in a hot tub. Guido Soup? We'll find out!

Commercial. Of course Mariah Carey is using this timeslot to advertise her perfume.

And we're back! What is with the lip gloss these dudes are constantly applying? I'm not talking chapstick, I'm talking about lip gloss. Anyhoo, the Situation is the first to arrive. He's happy to be the first so he can scope out the joint to make sure there aren't any jerkoffs.

What the what? Pauly D says he's never been to Jersey before. How is that legal? This must be like a pilgrimage to Mecca for him. Anyhoo, he arrives and meets the Situation and they decide that they should bunk together and try to get a girl to bunk with them. I think the Kim Kardashian of Jersey showed up and interviewed that they were typical Guidos with bangin' bodies. They both interview that they want to fuck her because she is a beauty.

Vinny shows up next and points out the Guido-ness of the two guys who are there and says the Kim K of Jersey isn't that hot.

KWoww? JWoww? I forget. She shows up next and Vinny said he could tell she was high maintenance, so he ran back in and claimed the single bed to avoid rooming with her.

I don't know if I can keep up with this. Seriously, these Guidos are showing up too fast for me. One of them can't drive and is yelling at other Guidos on the road and stalled her car while making a really bad 3 point turn.

Oh man, Guido overload. They all want to bang each other. I guess Guido bitches (or Guidettes) are the girls who find Guidos attractive. Naturally, they're all drinking. Because that's what you do when you meet strange orange people wearing a year's supply of hair gel all at once. I hope none of them smoke.

Commercial. Man, these commercials are totally appropriate tonight. Heald College. They know their audience.

And we're back!

The Guidos are still drinking and acting like the douchebags we all think they are. The short girl who can't drive is super drunk and declaring her love for all of her roommates. Snookie. Or something. I think she tried to grab the Situation's balls.

Vinny is worried about living with her because Snookie is a drunken weirdo. The rest of the Guidos go on partying without her while she pouts on some sunbathing bed on the roof. None of them seem to know her name and keep calling her Snickers. She strips out of her clothes and into her animal print panties to climb into the hot tub with the Guidos.

One of the other Guidettes declares her to be not classy because she's not wearing a thong. "Wear a thong at least, be classy." Another bumper sticker.

Later on, Snookie passes out and the rest of the Guidos headed out to explore their natural habitat. They were playing midway games when Snookie woke up confused about the lack of Guidos in the house. It took her a few minutes to realize that the quacking noise she was hearing was coming from a duck phone. She then complained about people who own duck phones. While on the phone with her dad, she received several calls for other Guidos, but became too confused to operate the phone and started hanging up on everyone who called.

Meanwhile, back in the Guidos' natural habitat, the Situation and the girl with the boyfriend are walking hand-in-hand. Back at the house, the boyfriend called and asked if Snookie was gonna hang up on him again. She said no, then put the phone down in such a way that she hung up on him.

The Guidos got home and found Snookie awake and on the phone. They were surprised that she was alive, let alone awake. She told them Jen's boyfriend called and the Guidos were all shocked (shocked!) that she withheld that information. They got over it quick, as the hair gelled one said, "I'll make her forget about her boyfriend!"

Commercial. The previews show Snookie getting in trouble at work.

And we're back! It's the next day and Snookie wakes up and declares to the house that she feels like ass. She heads to the bathroom to barf while the rest of the Guidos say they have to leave since they have orientation for their new job. Well, at least they have some semblance of a work ethic.

Ronnie explains to us that the boss said if they show up late, they're fired, and "Snickers" showed up late on the first day. She shows up after the rest of the group and is pulled aside by the boss who tells her he'll let it slide today, but she's on notice.

Sammi doesn't want anything to do with "Schnookie" because she doesn't want her pukey breath on her.

Later on in the kitchen, the Situation cooked "sausage and peppas" for the group even though DJ Douchey D says girls are supposed to cook, not Guidos. They whipped out a Bible like one of the millions I've taken from hotel rooms over the years and said grace. Snookie then apologized for her meltdown and declared herself to be a sweetheart. All is forgiven in Guidoland.

Commercial. Coming up, the girls are mad that the Guidos brought "whoooores" back to the house. "The whooooooores are gonna get it!"

And we're back! The Guidos are all hanging out on the roof "fishing" for hot babes. They're whistling at "ladies" as they walk by on the boardwalk and reeled in a few hobags wearing tube tops. Vinny says they're "semi-decent-looking" and says "this is gonna be a great summer!"

One of the girls in the house is annoyed that they're upstairs with 3 "whorebags". Ronnie told them not to go upstairs if they didn't want to get mad. The girls decide that they want to go up anyway so they can get even more mad. The girls from the boardwalk were acting like whores act, especially when cameras are involved. The girls who live in the house said they were disappointed in the boys because of their behavior. The hair gel one, DJ Guido Hair, held up one of the whoooooooooooores' thongs like a trophy. Hey, she's classy. She wore a thong.

Mike realized he blew his show with Sammi (I guess she's who he was holding hands with. I can't tell Guidos apart, they all look the same. I can't help it, I'm a racist.) so he got oout of the hot tub to go talk to her. She told him he could do what he wanted and left, so he went and got back into the hot tub to make Guido-Whoooooooooore soup.

Commercial. Coming up: The whoooooooooores demand to be let into the house so they can call the house Guidettes bitches. The Guidettes will not take that sitting down! Also? Snookie declares she is leaving since they can't get over her drunken first night.

Attention Amy: much like I did with Lundy, I demand payment in the form of cheap beer for this shit! Next week, I am definitely drinking through this mess!

And we're back! The guys are swinging thongs around while the girls downstairs are gossiping about the lack of class being shown (helleau! THONGS!) in the jacuzzi. "All their clothes are off!" They declare the guys to be jerkoffs and complain that the whoooooooooores are 20 years old. Sammi even fake vomits to make her point. They tell the Guidos that they aren't bringing douchebags back to the house and making out with them in hot tubs.

The whooooores come into the house to hang out or blow some Guidos or something. They call them bitches and tell them to get out, which they do, but not before calling them bitches and slamming the door.

Snookie is upstairs being stupid and hears the commotion downstairs. Because, like I just mentioned, she's stupid, she assumes all of the commotion is about her. She whines that they need to stop being mad at her because of her first night drunken shenanigans.

Downstairs, they're all arguing about not bringing trash into the house (shouldn't they all leave if that's the standard?) and the conversation turns to, "why is the Situation telling Sammi he likes her and hooking up with the whooooooooooores in the hot tubs?" One of the other Guidos says his head is so far up her ass, they can see him in her mouth.

Finally, they realize "Snickers" is missing and they decided that she was upstairs sleeping or something, so they left her alone while they all argued about trash and true Guido love being interrupted by whooooooooooooores. Snickers (that's her new name) is packing her shit when Ronnie walks in and asks what she's doing. She says she's going home after interviewing that everyone is ignoring her and she's not used to it. He doesn't seem to care and interviews that he's not gonna coddle her, so he instead walks off and tells the other Guidos (who are laying in bed underneath leopard print blankets, naturally) that she's leaving because no one likes her.

Sammi feels bad and decides to put and end to the madness. It turns out that not only is Snickers borderline retarded (my apologies to actual retarded people), she really is an attention whore. It's not about the other roommates hating her at all, it's about her not being able to compete for attention with all the orange skin, hair gel, and white lip gloss surrounding her. Her beauty pales in comparison to the god and goddess-like beauty of the true Guidos in the house.

Oh good lord, there's another episode on after this? I might die.

OK, so we're back from commercials and Snickers is still mad and says the roommates aren't true friends. Dude, she's been there all of two days. Ugh. Please leave. I already cannot stand you. At least the other Guidos aren't drama queens.

I guess the producers are over it, too, because now it's the next morning and the Situation has made a plate of eggs for Sammi. Man, how is this show still on? How did I get talked into this?

OK, the Guidos are working at the t-shirt shop. The boys are natural salesman, but whatever that one girl Guido's name is is not, so she got stuck on hanger duty.

Back at the house, Snickers is still there and is still pouting about not being worshipped by the Guidos of the house. She interviews that she's not used to being just a regular Guidette. She's totally a little Guido fish in a giant Guido ocean right now. A classic story.

Sammi tells her she needs to work on her self-esteem and says she will be her friend. Oh man, how did I not notice the Ed Hardy hat on Snickers' head? Woof.

Elsewhere, the Situation and Ronnie are working out at the gym talking about the importance of protein in the diet. Insert blow job joke here. Fuggetabboutit!!! Aaaaaaaaaay!

Back at the house again, Snickers is still moping around the house and says she doesn't know if she's gonna stay or not. She says she's gonna stay for the night and stop being retarded. I'm pretty sure that's not how it works. Anyhoo, she vows to go out and meet some sexy Guidos. She says she "is an amazing ass and tanned Guidette."

Oh man, Guido fight coming up after the commercial! Complete with kisses being blown across the dance floor!

And we're back! The Situation and Sammi go to work together and keep talking about how well they "vibe" off each other. He kept telling every Jersey trash girl who walked in to buy booty shorts that said "I love the Situation." For some reason, they went for it.

After the shift was over, he told Sammi that they work good together and said he wad getting some shorts for her to wear around the house. I think they'll bump greasy parts by the end of this episode (for which I am not being paid in cheap beer...WHEELER!!!).

Anyhoo, Angelina, aka the Kim K of the house, says she's not gonna cheat on her boyfriend because what she has is better than what's in this house. They're all getting ready to hit the clubs and there's a montage featuring more hairspray than should be allowed to exist. One of them is looking super trashy. I mean, SUPER trashy. What is that shit JWoww is wearing? Does that even count as a shirt? It's barely covering the implants at all.

On their way to the Guido club, they went to the t-shirt shop to rub it in that they're going out and the Situation and Sammi are not.

Back at the club, Snickers is looking for a Guido to do fucky times with and eventually finds one. Angelina quickly pushes her ass into a Guido's penis while the other Guidos notice and talk shit. JWoww starts grinding with the hair gel Guido and they eventually start making out. She's the one who said she wouldn't let her boyfriend get in the way of her sexing other Guidos this summer.

Commercial. Coming up (pun intended), the Guidos are all going to be having Guido sex. This is what happens when you put them in their natural habitat! Loins begin to burn. Greasy juices will flow. Ginger's eyes will need to be burned out of their sockets.

And we're back! The Situation and Sammi are back at the house after their shift. At first, he said they were disappointed that they all went out without them, but then he realizes that he's alone with his chosen Guidette. She asks if the other guys in the house talk about the girls and he quickly cockblocks Ronnie by saying that he said he's out to fuck every girl on the shore.

Snickers shows up with her random Guido and Sammi seems shocked that he's "decent-looking." The Situation says they look cute together.

Meanwhile, JWoww and DJ Douchey Hair show up at the house, make out for a bit, and he whips out his penis. Seriously, he just whops it out.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh man, up on the roof, Snickers says she's mad that her guy isn't wanting to make out with her and she complains that he's ignoring her. He's not ignoring her so much as he's passed out because he's totally deucefaced. Then he projectile vomits while she tells him to vomit off the side of the house instead. Keep it classy!

When she goes downstairs to collect a trash bag (I don't know what for, since she told him to barf off the side of the house), the other guys tell her that maybe she didn't make the best choice. She gets defensive and says, "hey, that's my friend!" She goes up and collects the trash and walks him home. She refuses to kiss him because he has barf breath, and he's all, "yeah, I figured."

Commercial.

And we're back! Angelina declares herself to have been wasted last night while the rest of the Guidos tell her she practically fucked some big Guido on the dancefloor. She claimed she didn't remember it and they all called bullshit. She continues to play dumb in the interview area and says, "they seem to think I cheated on my boyfriend." She decides to call him and tell him that she may have fucked a Guido, but he's busy at work and can't talk to her. She thinks work is a dumb excuse, so she keeps calling him over and over complaining that he's not talking to her.

Elsewhere, Vinny thinks he has pink eye and Ronnie (probably correctly) points out that he probably got it from putting his face in a fat old lady's ass on the dance floor. Everyone acts like he's a leper, but Sammi's like, "dude, take some medication, it's just pink eye!"

He told his boss that he had a doctor's appointment and couldn't work, and the boss tells him to find someone to replace him for his shift. Sammi says she can cover from 3-6, and Angelina claims she can't work past 6 because she needs to get ready to go out. The rest of the Guidos point out that they don't go out until 11:30, so she's lame. I guess spraying on military grade spermicide takes a while.

Anyhoo, the boss says he's fine with whatever arrangement they came up with and agrees that Angelina is weak sauce for needing 5 1/2 hours to get ready.

Commercial. When we come back, I think Angelina is spotted making out with another Guido on the greasy dancefloor. What do you think the insurance rate is for a Guido nightclub? I mean, the chance for slip and fall accidents has to be unusually high.

And we're back! Vinny's pink eye is a mild case, so his doctor says he's fine to go out and infect the public with his body grease.

The Guidos are making drinks in the kitchen and talking about Guido grooming habits. Apparently, the key to going out is to shave at the last minute, get a haircut the day of, work out and get a little tan at the gym, and put your shirt on right before you leave so you feel fresh.

Sammi comes downstairs wearing some Guido-looking slutsuit, and the Situation says it's not a matter of if they will hook up, it's a matter of when he decides it will happen. They get to the club and start grinding and making out.

Elsewhere on the greasiest dancefloor in America, JWoww starts making out with Dj Doucheface and then hits it and quits it so she won't cheat on her boyfriend.

Guido drama! Sammi, after making out with the Situation, makes her way over to Ronnie and starts bumping greasy crotches on the dancefloor with him and makes out with him. DJ Doucheface is all, "oh snap!" or whatever the Guido equivalent of that phrase is, and then the Situation sees it and looks heartbroken...or whatever the Guido equivalent of heartbroken is.

Commercials. When we come back, the Situation says he wants to Jerry Springer Sammi's ass. I guess that's the Guido equivalent of being heartbroken.

We need to come up with a name for the Guido nightclub. I'll leave this up to you, readers. Send me your submissions in comment form at the end of this neverending post.

And we're back! Sammi is making out with Ronnie and the Situation is mad. He yells at her that she shouldn't be messing with him and then hooking up with Ronnie. He's seriously Guido heartbroken over this. He's steaming for the rest of the night. He shows his sadness by picking a fight with a guy who was "looking at [him]." Haters. He blew a kiss to him and the "clown" came over and pushed DJ Douchetard, who hit the clown with "a clean right cross right to da nose. It only takes 9 pounds of preshuh to break a nose!" Badabing! Ooooooooooooooh!

On the way home, the Guidos met some hos walking down the street. He says "if you don't love the Situation, I'm gonna make you love the Situation." Um, did he just say he was gonna rape a ho?

They get home and he sees Sammi and Ronnie and gets in Sammi's face and says he hopes she made the right choice. Sammi interviews that the Situation thinks he can get any girl he wants, but she doesn't even want him like that. She tells him that she thinks Ronnie's hot. The Situation is all, "whatevers, yous, I got mad hos upstairs." "Good, go to your whooooooooooooooores!" Ronnie laughs because he won and said, "yeah, do do what you gotta do."

Angelina goes upstairs to cockblock and asks the Situation if he's gonna go downstairs and hang with the group. Because he's a delusional Guido, he decides that she must be in love with him and is just mad that he didn't choose her to be one of his hos for the evening. He escorts the whooooooooores out and goes back inside to yell at Angelina.

She calls his hos "0s" and he says, "oh, that makes you a negative 3." She laughs and says, "whatever, I'm all natural! Look at me!" "Lose 5 or 10 pounds and we can talk!" Oh hell to the nah, she says, but in Guido language. Then they cut to a commercial.

Oh man, this post is so long. I probably should have broken it up into two separate posts, but oh well. Congrats if you made it this far. Only a little more left to go! You can do eet! I hope I make it...woof.

And we're back! Ronnie and Sammi have made their way to the roof where they're laying on the bed out there talking about what a whiny baby the Situation is. Then the producers cut to footage of him moping in the house.

The next morning, the Situation is still sad and the producers have put together a mnontage of what he thought was their great romance ending with Sammi choosing Ronnie. Aw, his poor little greasy Guido heart is broken.

Show over: season preview time.

JWoww's mission is to hook up with the hottest Jersey Guido. One of the Guidettes gets pushed by a Guido, several fights break out, the police are involved, and the Guidos laugh, cry (well, not really, they yell), and declare themselves to be "frickin' family." One of the girls gets in a fight and will "rock you, bitch!" I think a girl gets punched by a Guido and one of the Guidos goes to jail. Wow. I hope next week is only one hour, I don't know if I can handle two hours of this every week.

Thanks for joining me! I'm off to bed.

the Guidos are coming!

I'll be liveblogging Jersey Shore tonight at 10pm. Here's Gawker's roundup of the castmembers. I love you Gawker, but I called the liveblogging of this mess first!

See you tonight for all the greasy action!

RW/RR Challenge Liveblogging!

Hey all, I hope you enjoyed the hiatus as much as I did. When we last left off, Sarah kissed Kenny, and a drunken Brad challenged Darell to a fight. Darell stupidly got up and beat the deuce out of him, sending them both home.

Susie and Kim are still battling it out in the Ruins and the boys haven't gone yet...

Cue credits.

They're playing Rag Doll. They're in a circle and fight over a rope. Exciting. One of the d-bags helpfully pointed out, "this is all about who wants it more, ladies!" I think that's what all of these things basically are, right? Susie is marveling at how hard it is to pull the rope from Kim's hands and now it's somehow between Susie's legs. This seems to have been going on forever and they're bleeding. Kenny describes it as some sort of rainy porno steam (because of course it's "raining"). Susie finally pulls the rope out of Kim's cold, dead hands. Derek respects her for going in there and fighting like an animal.

TJ gives some lame monotone speech about how hard Kim tried, and Kim interviewed that she hates that Casey is still there. She tells her to enjoy her $2,000, haha.

Dunbar is facing off in the same game against Johnny Ballsack. Please lord, Baby Jesus, let Ballsack go home. Whenever he wins, a puppy dies. They're all screaming like banshees...well, Susie is, anyway. She says she doesn't like having Johnny Ballsack on her team, but she'd rather have him win so the other team is left with only 3 girls, one of them being Susie.

Speaking of the 3 girls on the other team, they are all hugging each other hoping for a Dunbar win.

Commercial. Oh. Holy. God. I cannot wait for Jersey Shore tomorrow. "Fist-pumpin' like champs!" We might have to do a Guido night in Vegas for STBE 10. Oh man.

And we're back! Evan interviews that Dunbar looks like a wild beast and Johnny Ballsack looks scared. As soon as he finished saying that, Ballsack grabbed the rope from Dunbar's grip. Ugh. He just referred to himself as Johnny Bananas. God, I hate him. So the other team now consists of Casey, Sarah, and KellyAnne. Gee, I wonder who's gonna win this shit?

Kenny says he looks across the Ruins and sees, "one lying slut, some creepy goth chick...and Casey." What a nice guy. How does he get girls to sleep with him?

Back on the short bus back to the house (I wish it was a short bus), KellyAnne tells Sarah she might volunteer herself unto the Ruins so she can win some money since they probably won't win the final challenge.

Back at the house, they're all singing "for he's a jolly good fellow" about Ballsack and hoisting him into the air. Elsewhere, and seemingly later on, Kenny treats Sarah like dirt, demanding that she come over and pick up the food he just dropped on the floor. He continues insulting her while she ignores him. Again, how does he get girls to sleep with him?

The next morning, Johnny Ballsack picks a fight with Susie saying she threw missions to save her friends on the other team, costing them the final mission. She denies this and begins screeching back at him. I'm sure she was denying it, but I can't be sure because I can't listen to that mess.

Commercial. Why does T-mobile think it's a good idea to put Avril Lavigne in a commercial? Is she still popular with the kids? Why was she ever popular with the kids? Are wifebeaters and neckties all the rage?

And we're back! Ballsack is telling Derek and Evan that she hasn't lifted her finger to do anything and they need to get rid of her and say they're gonna throw the challenge. For some reason, they agree with her. I don't know why they're so worried about getting rid of her. They're going against 3 girls. One of whom is Casey. I think they just don't want a girl to get any of their money because they're pigs.

Later on, Kenny is being a complete douchebag to Sarah. He calls her Martha Dumptruck and continues to tell her how ugly she is. All the boys gang up on her and Kenny interviews that she loves the abuse. Finally, she's had enough and is upset about the douchebaggary aimed in her direction. She goes for a swim and Susie talks to her about how they're all assholes and she shouldn't let them affect her. Evan shows up, because he always has to put his word in, and gives her a flower and pretends that he cares about her feelings.

He and Susie leave and Susie tells him Ballsack is being an asshole and she's tired of getting screwed over. He pretends to care about what she says and then interviews that she is their weakest link (because she's a girl, duh!) and they want more money. If she gets money, that's less money for the boys, and they want more money. Do you see why I hate these people? They are horrible people!

Anyhoo, commercial.

Ballsack excitedly yells about getting a text on the T-Mobile Sidekick. I didn't hear the clue-reading because I don't care. I'm sure it involves swimsuits. The producers don't care either, because they quickly cut to Ballsack once again whining to his circle jerk buddies about how Susie sucks and they need to throw the challenge to get rid of her. I haven't quite figured out what they're so scared of.

After they're done fellating each other, Kenny plays another round of "let's treat Sarah like shit" and begins making fun of her for wearing a swim cap in the pool. She asks him if his mom raised him to talk to women the way he does and he shuts up and interviews that she doesn't know how to play his game.

Sorry, firefox froze for a second...Susie told Sarah that the boys were going to throw the challenge in an attempt to get rid of her. Susie interviews that she doesn't want to go against KellyAnne because she's not a woman, she's a fembot.

Today's challenge involves running out on some platform and collecting flowers. It's high in the air as usual. Casey hasn't even gone yet and she's crying. Sarah has gone twice and collected all the flowers. KellyAnne collected her flowers in her first turn, but fell on her second attempt. Now it's Casey's turn and she's sobbing in her interview about how she doesn't want to do it. Oh, I forgot to mention that Evan (I know) interviewed that Sarah made it look so easy. "These girls might win!" Uh, yeah, because you jackasses are gonna throw it to get rid of a girl. And you know, the circle jerk posse wants us all to know that girls are useless. Even though the other team is all useless girls, they can't stand to have one on their team.

Commercial.

Oh man, Casey is so worthless. She crawls up the wall so slowly that she slides back down. Even TJ is making fun of her. Sarah yells at her that she has to run to get up there. Casey runs off to the side and takes off her gloves and pads and cries. TJ asks what she's doing and she asks, "what does it look like I'm doing?" "Throwing a temper tantrum because you didn't make it." She gets disqualified.

Anyhoo, Derek runs up, collects his 3 flowers and is done. Ballsack runs up, drops all of his flowers and thinks that it looked like a total accident. Susie interviews that, "in true douchebag fashion," Johnny tried to be slick and drop his flowers. Susie then ran up, collected her 3 flowers, and was done. Kenny runs up and decides that it's not worth throwing the challenge because he wants money. It's Evan's turn and he says Evan wants to throw the game because he hates that someone might be better at the game than him. Evan didn't throw it, claiming it was because he didn't want to screw over the girl at the end.

Ballsack whines that "our" plan has been sunk! It seemed like it was his plan all along, so if anyone's plan was sunk, it was his. Making matters worse in his eyes, TJ says Susie gets to pick her opponent since there are only girls left anyway. She chooses Casey, and Ballsack doesn't look happy about it.

Back at the house, Ballsack, Kenny, and Derek (or Evan, I don't know, either way, they both suck) were bitching about how they should have thrown it so they would have an "almost 100% sure shot at the final." Dude, they're gonna be going against 3 other people at the most, all of whom are useless girls in their eyes, so again, what's the problem here? Kenny whines that they'll be doing all the work and will probably drag Susie across the finish line. I'm sorry, but I will never understand the logic behind these arguments. They do this shit every year. We get it, Kenny, girls are yucky!

Kenny then, for some reason, interviews that he's more worried about Johnny. I don't understand any of these people. They spend the entire challenge blowing each other, then they get in the interview room and talk about how they can't trust each other. You know why you can't trust each other? You're horrible human beings! You are not trustworthy individuals! Yet for some reason, you all set up these retarded alliances and end up screwing each other over in the end anyway! Idiots!

Ugh, I ranted through the commercials!

We're back. Susie is venting at Sarah about how dumb they are and how she could just sit down at the starting line.

So this is the final Ruins before the final challenge. Casey said she hopes she wins because she could come away with "a good chunk of change." Tonight's challenge involves kicking and breaking a bunch of bamboo poles and ringing a gong to win. Casey thinks she can win because she grew up watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Susie interviews that she should just die if she loses to Casey. Casey, once again, thinks she'll be good at this because of the whole WATCHING Buffy thing. I've watched all three Karate Kid movies, and I don't think I could win a karate match. But I'm also not an idiot. Have fun, Casey.

Commercial. I should note that they started right before the commercial and she kicked a bamboo shoot and looked startled when it broke, haha.

And we're back! Derek interviews that surprisingly, Casey didn't miss the first one. She quickly redeems her reputation by not being able to break the 5th one down the line while Susie easily kicks her way to the gong. Kenny interviews that Casey would screw up a contest involving scratching her way out of a wet paper bag. Which is probably true.

After Susie wins, they encourage her to finish the challenge, which she eventually does. TJ tells her her luck finally ran out and she leaves. She says she didn't win any money, but she made a lot of friends. Hahaha, friends. Who wants to be friends with these people?

In the boys' room, Ballsack is still whining about having Susie on the team. Evan says, "she has $40,000 that she gets to keep whether we win or lose, we should be rubbing her feet!" Derek, who suddenly decided he's a total d-bag, chimes in that he and Ballsack will have no part of being nice to a girl! He didn't say "a girl," but he said they wouldn't kiss Susie's ass. I don't know why Susie's suddenly being accused of being a bad player. She's always performed well in these things. Anyhoo, Ballsack interviews that if they lose, they deserve it for not getting rid of Susie when they had a chance. Is he not aware that they're going against 2 girls? Girls, who again, are useless according to these morons! Ugh.

Next week, the producers try to make it look like the d-bags might lose and even include a shot of Susie saying she wouldn't be sad if her team lost. Awesome.

See ya next week! Actually, I'll see you tomorrow for fist-pumping Guido action!

RW/RR Challenge liveblogging is back tomorrow!

And on Thursday, I'll be liveblogging MTV's new Guido show. Jersey Shore? I think that's what it's called. Apparently, it's like the Real World, but all the roommates are Jersey trash. Awesome!

Tiger Woods is officially the WT of his hoity toity neighborhood

You know that accident he got into? The one that left him in "serious condition"? Yeah, it turns out that his wife roughed him up after a story broke about him cheating on her. She chased after the car with a golf club! I'm going to assume he lives on a golf course, so that kind of behavior qualifies as WT.

no liveblogging tonight

I guess the Ruins is off for Thanksgiving.

Coming soon...GUIDOS!

Happy Thanksgiving!

RW/RR Challenge liveblogging!!!

I don't know why I always put three exclamation marks in the subject line. It's not like I'm terribly excited to write about the scum of the earth every week. But it comes up when I start typing it in every week, so it stays out of laziness.

When we last left off, Darell thinks he's got a free ride into the finale after volunteering to go into the Ruins and beating my tiny Cohutta and sending him home and taking all of his money. Johanna lost to Sarah, and Brad went off on Casey. She totally deserved it, I don't care what anyone else says.

Cue lame opening credits.

Tonight, it's KellyAnne's birthday. To celebrate, they're drinking large amounts of alcohol and acting like jerks. Dunbar doesn't want to party because he's sad that my tiny Cohutta got sent home and he and Brad are the only boys left.

Derek interviews that Derek gets to walk to the finals (foreshadowing of a backstabbing, perhaps?) and KellyAnne is running around naked.

After the partying is done, Brad is still complaining about Casey and how shitty she is. He's complaining to Susie who says that Casey is the reason they have no money in their bank accounts. Susie interviews that her plan is to convince the boys to let her take Casey into the Ruins, and she'll throw a mission if she has to in order to make it happen.

Elsewhere, a drunk KellyAnne is telling Dunbar that he's a d-bag for telling people that he banged her on a previous challenge. Dunbar says he never confirmed or denied any sexing. She says he should have denied it. Brad, still angry, comes in and starts telling her to stop telling Dunbar to stop telling people he effed her in the V, A, or anywhere else. Brad seems to be drunk on both alcohol and power. He slurs that she needs to remember that she's part of a team while she slurs that she should be allowed to tell Dunbar to stop telling people they got. it. on. Then she points out that Brad hasn't gone into the Ruins, so he really shouldn't be acting like he's the most awesome guy ever. They cut to commercial as he starts to get mad that she called him out.

And we're back! At this point, Brad and KellyAnne are yelling at each other and Brad gets really serious and is all, "let me tell you something, baby girl..." while pointing at her, and then says something about things being serious. Now, KellyAnne is sobbing in a corner by herself and Susie comes in to comfort her and calls Brad a crazy person. She interviews that no one should be a sobbing mess on their birthday.

Back in the bedroom, Dunbar is complaining about KellyAnne while Brad is drinking straight out of the bottle and adding, "yeah, bro. There's an opportunity to make money here!" Then he's saying that he's gonna take anyone out in this game. And something about bagpipes. I really think he's had some sort of psychotic break, haha.

Later, Brad made his way out to the living room where the d-bag posse is hanging out and challenges Darell to a fight. When the d-bags try to pull him off, he throws them off. He challenges Darell to a fight again and says, "you have the most money here, you might as well do it now!" I don't think he knows that fighting in the house won't result in him getting Darell's money. He keeps flexing and crazy-talking while they all stand around not sure what to do with him. Finally, Darell gets up, knocks him down, and punches him in the face.

Commercial, of course. I told you Darell wouldn't make it to the final with all that money.

And we're back! They're picking it up with Darell getting up and beating the shit out of Brad. Johnny Ballsack interviews that he "didn't know what happened," as if he was confused about why that happened. They pick Brad up, and his eye is all swollen and gross-looking with blood streaming down his face. The d-bags pick him up and try to help him out, but he tries to fight them and runs around the house ranting like an animal.

A producer steps in (conveniently, after violence broke out) and kicked Darell and Brad out of the house. Brad, with a disgusting beaten eye, interviews that he wishes he hadn't drank so much and gotten out of control. He apologized to Darell and everyone else. Darell interviews that he likes Brad and wished it hadn't escalated. He apologized, too.

The next morning, the girls on the Challengers team are like, "man, that's 2 more people leaving without being eliminated." Then they start trashtalking Dunbar by saying, "oh, it's gonna be all girls in the final. Who's taking Dunbar out this week?" He asks what all this is about, and KellyAnne says, "because you told everyone you fucked me." "That's because I did! My penis touched the inside of your vagina!" Then he yelled about her playing "just the tip" with him. Then he starts yelling about how he should be embarrassed about sleeping with her instead of bragging about it. They fight like junior high kids for what seems like forever. Ugh. This is so annoying. She keeps calling him a liar and vows to keep calling him a liar until he admits that he's a liar.

The producers take mercy on me and cut to commercial. Thank. God. Did you know that at Western Career College you can do it? SUCIO!!!

And we're back! Evan is still running around without a shirt on and Susie tells he and Kenny that she has incentive to throw the challenge if they don't listen to her. She tells them she wants to take Casey in and reasons, "who cares if they have Casey? All they have left is Dunbar and a bunch of girls!" She tells them it's in their best interests to help her so she can help them.

As she walks out, she notices that KellyAnne and Casey are hanging out in the hallway laughing and listening in. They even brought snacks. She gets mad at them for no real reason, and as Casey pointed out, she seemed oddly upset about the fact that they had snacks. Never mind the eavesdropping, the snacks crossed the line!

Anyhoo, after the fight that I stopped listening to ended, the d-bags got a text saying they were going out for the night. They go to a bar and it becomes evident that Sarah and Kenny like each other. They express that like by treating each other like crap. Johnny Ballsack continues the "let's act like 2nd graders" theme by standing up and yelling for them to kiss. Kenny protests, but Sarah kisses him. He pretends to not enjoy it, but smiles when it's all over.

The next day, they're at the challenge. Casey was all excited until she realized it involved being up really high. How many of these challenges haven't involved heights? These people are idiots. Why are they always surprised? And she didn't seem to notice that it involved heights until she was at the top of whatever they'll be jumping from. Again, how dumb do you have to be to not notice that your trip to the challenge site has involved going up REALLY high?

Commercial.

And we're back! TJ tells the morons what they already know. Darell and Brad were kicked of for "fist-fighting." My mom used to say that. Anyhoo, he says their money will be added to the final challenge purse.

One person each gets to sit out, which makes them safe from the Ruins. Evan plays it like a snake and tells Kenny to let him sit out and deal with Johnny Ballsack, because Ballsack can't be trusted and thus, shouldn't be safe. I like how Evan turns his not wanting to go into the Ruins into a slam on Johnny Ballsack so he doesn't look like a wimp for not wanting to go in.

On the other side, Sarah gets to sit out since she went into the Ruins last week. This challenge involves them climbing across some chain linked fencing that is suspended in the air. Unfortunately, they have safety lines and won't fall to their deaths. As soon as I finished typing that, Johnny Ballsack says, "what if this harness doesn't work and I plummet to my death?" The world would have one less moron, that's what would happen. And the ratings would skyrocket.

Oh, and because there is only one dude left, the guys on the champions team are going against girls. Most of them just raced across while being nice, but Derek didn't go that route. Oh, I guess Sarah isn't sitting out the challenge, she's just not eligible for the Ruins. Anyhoo, Derek is spending his time on the fence trying to knock Sarah off the other side. Normally, I wouldn't care about that kind of thing, but the champions are totally winning this thing and aren't going to lose. Why be a dick about it? Even Ballsack and Kenny weren't total d-bags.

Commercial.

And we're back! Evan and Ballsack cheer Derek on and yell for him to kick her in the face. Kenny interviews that Derek is a dick for doing that. Derek finally stops and races to the other side to ring the bell and interviews that he knows he was a jerk for doing that, especially against a girl, but he's on a team of jerks and it rubbed off on him. They rubbed him off? SUCIO!

Anyhoo, Sarah finished, but her time is really bad as a result of Derek's dickery. Casey is next up and she's crying. Evan says he's totally excited for her to be super shitty so they can win really big. In an attempt to calm her nerves, she sings "I've Been Workin' on the Railroad."

In another shocker, the champions won and will get an espresso machine for their efforts. Do classless d-bags drink espresso? Or care about fancy coffee machines? These ones seem pretty excited, so I guess so.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Evan and Kenny are deciding if they want to screw over Susie or not. Evan makes some unfunny joke about her looking Amish (because Evan is clearly model material) and says she's special for thinking they'll allow her to take Casey in. Kenny seems to think they shouldn't let her take Casey and the boys convince her to take Kim as some sort of compromise.

When it's the boys' turn to deliberate, Johnny Ballsack wants to throw Kenny under the bus and says, "it's gonna be stacked in Dunbar's favor, I know it, and you match up best with him." Kenny interviews that Ballsack is dumb if he thinks Kenny's going into the Ruins. Derek lets out and exasperated sigh and we go to commercial.

And we're back. Johnny Ballsack tries to pretend he's just throwing out a suggestion instead of trying to wimp out. Susie sees right through his act and calls him a grade-A douchebag. Johnny Ballsack says he thinks someone should step up. This pisses Derek off, who says, "dude, you need to step up." Johnny does, and interviews that he thought someone else should have stepped up. He jokingly picks Casey to go into the Ruins with him.

Later on, Dunbar interviews that he's ready to throw Johnny Ballsack around. Not Johnny's Ballsack. Johnny Ballsack. Just wanted to clarify. Meanwhile, Johnny Ballsack says he hopes to punch Dunbar's ticket and says this will be "one to remember." Why? Because Ballsack's actually going into an elimination game instead of sliming his way out like he always does?

The game they're playing tonight is called "ragdoll." Haha, man, this show is totally sucio tonight. The object of the game is to "jerk the rope" out of their opponent's hands. It's basically like tug of war with a short rope? They're standing in some circle.

The girls are up first and Evan maniacally yelled something about people dying in the ring. Susie is throwing Kim all over the ring, and at one point, the rope was around Kim's neck. Evan decides to get in on the sucio action by interviewing that there are two wet girls fighting over a three foot rope while moaning. Then he continues to watch with a pervy look on his face. Seriously, though, a three foot rope? You wish, Evan.

Anyhoo, the producers must not have much good footage next week because mid-jerk, they flashed a "to be continued" screen. LAME!

Next week, Sarah complains about Casey. TJ calls Casey out for complaining about sucking at life.

Ugh. An aftershow...I'm not gonna liveblog that. Brad is talking about how he was stressed out and handled it badly by drinking. He seems to have a less effed up hairline than I remember. Good haircut or good plugs? Discuss.

Night, all!

new liveblogging show!!!

Per Amy's request, and because I was probably going to do it anyway because, come on, it's a bunch of Guidos, I will be liveblogging Jersey Shore starting Thursday, Dec. 3 at 10.

RW/RR Challenge liveblogging!!!

Another night of morons and jerks awaits me...

Last week: Cohotta sent Syrus home and KellyAnne beat Veronica, who thought she could spread her herpes to enough guys to make them want to keep her around. After proving her uselessness in the challenge and in the Ruins, she still acted like they'd be sorry she was gone.

Cue lame credits.

And we start tonight's episode with the girls drunkenly jumping into the pool. Kenny and Evan run out to join them and pretend to be sculptures hoping to see boobies. No such luck for them, so they jumped in the pool with them. Kenny also took the time to pose like he was in a bodybuilding contest.

Later on, they decide to play truth or dare. Susie reveals that she thinks Cohutta is fuckable. Seriously, I'm not making that up. Kim gets naked and jumps in the pool. Sarah dares Kenny to whip out his dick. Isn't she gay? Casey, who's still there for some reason, moons the group.

Even more later on, Kenny and Evan hear "moaning and groaning" in a bathroom upstairs and run up like giggling schoolgirls and practically kick the door down to find out what's going on. They found Dunbar with a topless Kim...who then claimed they were just "talking strategy."

When everyone has settled down, the bad guys all start talking about how the good guys hate that they're stuck with Casey because she's dragging the team down. Casey interviews that she's well aware of the fact that people want her to be around mostly because they know she sucks and brings her team down. Some of the girls on her team say that she's a nice person, but Brad's like, "oh hellllllllllll na!" He thinks she goes on these challenges to have fun, but really isn't any good at the actual challenge part of the challenges. He says she gotsta go, yo.

Commercial.

And we're back! Kenny's hair looks like when a little boy is allowed to brush his hair by himself for the first time. Smashed down and greasy. Anyhoo, I was too distracted by his 5 year-old's haircut to mention that he showed up while Susie and Johanna are discussing having to go into the Ruins. He interviews that he thinks they're gonna throw challenges so they can go against Casey because she sucks so hard. He then continues that the less girls there are, the better off he is in his alliances. Because that's the kind of d-bag he is. The girls tell him they couldn't care less about what he thinks because they know they have no alliances.

Meanwhile, Darell, Derek, and someone who I wasn't paying attention to were talking about letting whoever goes into the Ruins have a free pass to the finals. Oh, I guess the other guy was Kenny. Here's what's gonna happen, Darell will go in thinking he's safe, and they'll throw him in at a later date. Just throwing that out there. He's not part of the d-bag posse.

Anyhoo, back at the challenge, they announce who's eligible for the Ruins, and both girls left on the d-bag team (Susie and Johanna) are in by default, and the three d-bags I mentioned previously have also volunteered, On the other side, all the dudes are in (since there are only three), and Casey, Kim, and Sarah are in since KelleyAnne went in last time.

Today's challenge involves them climbing into a big ol' tire and rolling down a hill. Here's what I want to see: those tires full of d-bags rolling down a hill and off a cliff. I'm guessing I won't get my wish.

Commercial.

And we're back. I guess this is some sort of relay. They roll down the hill and crash into a hay bale (or off a cliff), and then have to push it back up the hill for another d-bag to climb in and roll to their death. If the tire falls before crashing into the hay bale, a "tracker" will run down and reposition the tire to complete its run to the d-bag's death...or not. Evan and Brad volunteer to be the trackers for their respective teams.

This actually looks pretty painful. Cute little Cohutta was the first to go and he looked like his brains were getting scrambled to the maxx. He interviewed that he was sure it bounced 20 feet in the air, but in reality, it was only about 8 inches. I love him. He told the girls it sucks when you bounce because there's no real padding, you just absorb the blow with your neck. No one looks happy about this at all.

Casey is sent down the hill and everyone laughs at the excruciating pain she appears to be in. Needless to say, she has a horrendous time pushing the tire up the hill. Kenny, Evan, and the rest of the d-bags laugh while her teammates are totally annoyed with her ineptitude. Susie interviews that it's actually kind of sad to watch someone suck so hard.

Evan interviews that it's hilarious watching them practically get killed while rolling down the hill, then he has an epiphany..."oh shit, we have to do that, too!" Duh! You big dumb Canadian moose! Your challenge isn't watching these idiots roll down a hill in a tire!

The girls go first, and Susie and Johanna make it most of the way down the hill on the first roll. Actually, Susie made it all the way down. The producers are trying to make it look like she's going back up the hill really slowly, but it took Casey over 10 minutes to get back up. Susie's clock was only at about 3 minutes when they cut to...

Commercial.

And we're back! I guess they gave up on trying to make this look close, haha. Derek gets down the hill and says he feels like he wants to puke and is totally dizzy. Which is what just about all of them have been saying. This is pretty fun to look at, but it looks like it really sucks to actually have to do.

Not shockingly, the champions team won...by 9 and a half minutes. Hmmm, who on the challengers team had a time over over 10 minutes?

Back at the house, Johanna tells Sarah she's calling her name and says, "you have many more of these to come, this is your first challenge, don't worry." I like how she assumes she's gonna win. Later on, Johanna interviews that she doesn't want to pick Casey, because what if she loses to her? How embarrassing would that be?

Darell volunteers himself and picks Cohutta. He interviews that if he wins, he's protected through the finals, and has a shitload of money. Remember what I said earlier? There's no way that's gonna happen.

Meanwhile, Sarah is talking to Susie and says she's ready for the Ruins. Then she interviews that she's not looking at it like some sort of death sentence.

Elsewhere, Cohutta hears the news that he's going back in. He talked about himself in the third person, which I usually hate, but he's allowed. I just want to put him in my pocket! He's so tiny and has the best redneck accent ever! He says when he's done with the Ruins he should buy the Ruins because it's like his home away from home. I hope he wins, because I love him. And because I don't want to be proved right about the d-bags going back on their promise to Darell.

Commercial.

And we're back!

Susie tells Johanna that she needs "to get mental." Huh? Then she says, "are you over it?" "Yeah, I'm pretty much mentally done." I wonder if she's sad that hideous Wes is gone.

Meanwhile, Brad realizes that he has no money in the bank, and that's gonna suck going into the finals with NO MONEY to win. Sarah says she hopes Cohutta wins in the Ruins because he's a good player.

Later on, Brad is somewhere else talking to Derek and is all, "she's a blonde-haired blue-eyed Big Easy." Cut to the footage of Big Easy almost dying on a final challenge and costing his team the final mission. Hahahahaha, that always cracks me up even though it's so wrong.

Kenny walks into a room where Sarah and Johanna are hanging out and basically brags about how he's never gone into the Ruins. Ugh. Evan interviews that Johanna has to prove that she wants to be there because Sarah wants to be there as much as a fat kid loves cake. How many times is he gonna use that phrase on these challenges? He's used it in past challenges before. Tonight, in the tire challenge (in which none of the d-bags plunged off a cliff to their death), he said he felt like a fat kid in a little coat. Do these people think he's funny?

Anyhoo, commercial.

And we're back! The boys are out back working out and Evan really needs to put a shirt on. I'm not saying I should go around topless or anything, but I'm also not on TV making fat jokes about other people whilst showing off my very own beer gut.

Anyhoo, while commenting on Evan's beer gut, I missed inspiring words from Sarah and Cohutta. Why does TJ announce the matchups as if it's some surprise? Everyone knows who's going in by the time they get there.

In tonight's Ruins, they're in a dunk tank and have to do situps or something. I have no idea, as usual, what this challenge actually entails. OK, I get it now, they're suspended from two poles by their legs over a tank of water with 40 lbs of weight on their chest. To win, they wither have to stay above the water or if they sink in, they have to keep pulling themselves out by doing a crunch. Sarah is making this look effortless while Johanna keeps dunking herself into the tank and unfortunately not drowning herself in the process.

Commercial. People actually like these shitty-looking Twilight movies? Oh holy mother of God. MTV is making a show about guidos? Oh man, I have got to watch that shit.

And we're back! Johanna is not looking good. She pulled the cord and lost the match. Susie has over $17,000 in her bank account now and is super excited.

TJ, once again, takes it upon himself to make Johanna feel like she shouldn't be happy to leave. TJ, shut up. Why can't Johnny Mosely come back and hose this d-bag fest?

Anyhoo, the boys are about to go and Cohutta says he hopes his little angel doesn't fall off his shoulders because he's had a pretty good run so far. Darell says it's no problem for him because he's a personal trainer. Oh man, boo. Cohutta lost almost immediately. He interviewed that he bitched out and pulled the lever. He looks so sad. And so do I. :(

At the end, he ran over and said bye to Susie and gave her a little peck on the cheek before cutely interviewing that he "got a little smackerel before getting sent back to Georgia." I'm so sad. I don't want to put any of these d-bags in my pocket.

Back at the house, Brad tells Casey that she smokes and drinks and doesn't take the game seriously. He then points out that all the other girls have gone into the Ruins, and points out that Sarah has gone into more than one while she's just coasted. Casey sits there in disbelief, and says she's "brought [her] A-game." Brad's like, "what is this A-game you're talking about?" The other girls interview that Brad's just frustrated and has reached his breaking point. Whatever, he was totally in the right to call her out. She has just coasted along this whole season.

Next week, there's fighting and crying and wrestling. Oh, and Johnny Ballsack, who the producers mercifully didn't showcase tonight says he pictures himself falling to his death. That's right, Ballsack, I picture that happening to all of you morons every week, and that never happens! Don't tease me, bro! (get it? get it? It's play on a year+ old cultural reference! I'm so clever!)

RW/RR Challenge liveblogging!!!

I'm really not feelin' it this week. I've been sick for about a week now and have totally had it with this cold! I've gotten so desperate to get rid of this thing that I've smeared VapoRub on my chest and throat. Woof.

Anyhoo, when we last left off, Cohutta pulled off the upset of the century and sent Wes packin'. Who else won? Not Ibis. Boo on that. Veronica and her giant bag of herpes medication should have gone home. Kimberly sent her home, btw.

Cue lame opening credits.

And we're back! KellyAnne has a note from Wes. In it, he says Cohutta is trustworthy. He also says he considers her his girlfriend until it's discussed further, which is kind of weird, were they breaking up or something? That made no sense.

Elsewhere, Susie and Veronica want to send Veronica and her herpes into the Ruins. Dunbar interviews that the challengers are in need of guys.

Somewhere else, Johnny Ballsack tells Evan that he needs to stop setting up the game to benefit himself and reasons, "everyone's gunning for me, you have no reason to worry." Um, way to brag about how great you think you are.

Anyhoo, Veronica knows that everyone wants her to go into the Ruins and is plotting with KellyAnne and some other girl I wasn't paying attention to to not vote her in. Derek hears this and interviews that ol' herp can't be trusted to not throw a challenge.

Commercial. Is it wrong that I'm totally entertained by White Gold and the Battle for Milquarius?

And we're back! Today's challenge involves a wall. It's time to do the nominations and Cohutta interviews that it's easy for their team since they have no one left, haha. On the d-bag team, Ballsack and Derek nominate themselves, as does Syrus. Ballsack interviews that Syrus volunteered himself assuming that since he's already gone into the Ruins, Derek or himself will nominated themselves, "which is not gonna happen." What nice people they are.

Tonight's challenge, in addition to involving a wall (yeah,I know that was a random mention earlier, but they were talking about the wall, then suddenly started doing nominations), is an obstacle course where they have to transport fruit from one end to the other without touching the fruit with their hands.

Veronica whines that they put her in the "least powerful position" because they think she's gonna throw the challenge. I'd believe her indignant attitude if she didn't follow her whining with, "I'd love for the challengers to win."

What they're basically doing is running across some field with trays full of fruit and launching them over the wall to people who are on the other side. Brad's frustrated that he can't see what's going on on the other side of the wall. They're also throwing bigger fruit over the wall than the champions team.

Derek interviews that it's a race against time and they need as much fruit in that basket as possible. Thanks, Captain Obvious, isn't that the point? Whoever gets the most fruit wins.

Commercial.

And we're back! Johnny Ballsack is maniacally screaming, "where's the fruit?!" as the teams race to dump one more bucket of fruit into the baskets at the scales. Oh, the champions won again. This should be fun when Syrus finds out that Ballsack and Derek are planning to screw him over. On the other side, Cohutta sees himself as a target because a: he's tiny, and b: he has more money in his bank account than the others.

Back at the house, Johnny Ballsack is telling everyone who will listen that they're throwing Derek under the bus. Evan's like, "I love how you told me I was playing for myself, but you're setting yourself up to be safe."

The next morning, Johnny and Derek are sitting with Syrus and Ballsack tells Syrus that "the team" wants him to go in because he has nagging injuries, etc. He then plays innocent and says, "this is what the team wants, but you're making it seem like I'm masterminding this whole thing!" Derek just kind of sat there looking uncomfortable the whole time why Syrus pretty much tells Ballsack that he's a pussy. Derek interviews that Ballsack seems to think he has his vote, but it's not guaranteed.

Commercial.

And we're back! Susie interviews that they need to not screw this up like they did last week. Veronica says she wants to go against Sarah. Syrus says she should get to go against who she wants to go against. Ballsack is all, "girls don't get to pick, it's always been voting." Everyone voted for her to go against KellyAnne, with Derek voting last. She yelled at Derek for being weak sauce and voting with the rest of the d-bags to keep them happy. When it's time for the boys, Syrus is pissed and says he'll go for the bank account, aka, Cohutta. Derek, proving himself to be every bit the pussy Veronica said he was, interviewed that Syrus should be mad, but didn't say a word when Ballsack told the group, "Derek and I thought it would be best for Syrus to represent us."

After he finds out he's going in, Cohutta says, "If I beat Syrus, I'll have $16,000 in my bank account." Then he goes on to mention how big Syrus is.

Syrus explains to Brad that they fucked him over and Brad's like, "well, I told you those guys play dirty." Elsewhere, Susie and Johanna are talking shit about Veronica with Evan. Veronica calls out to Evan to come to bed and the girls interview that it's hilarious that all of Veronica's "canoodling with Evan" isn't paying off. That is pretty funny, actually.

I'm really missing a lot of what's going on tonight, I feel like I've been brain dead the last few days. My brain just isn't functioning. Which is really awesome when kids ask me to explain grammar concepts to them, haha.

Anyhoo, commercial.

And we're back! Sad piano music is playing as Veronica whines to Evan that he was wrong to tell Susie not to volunteer herself for the Ruins. "I didn't encourage you to go into the Ruins, either!"

OK, so what I missed was that Evan said he didn't want Susie and Johanna to go into the Ruins because he needs people on his side. That's when she realized that Evan (much like everyone else on that team) doesn't really care about his friends when it comes to this game. I love how Veronica, the queen of d-bag alliances in these challenges, gets mad when the same shit she used to do to everyone else happens to her.

Anyhoo, she gives some big speech to KellyAnne and Kim that everyone's fucked if she and Syrus come back and says they're gonna throw challenges. And totally does that bitch head nod like, "yeah, I'll show them!"

Now it's time for the Ruins. There's some sort of log that they're hanging from that they have to shimmy down while grabbing shit. I don't know. It's very hard to explain, as are most of these dumb games.

As he does before every Ruins, Evan says, "as much as I love [insert name here], [he/she's] gotta go." Then he says, "I'd love to see a guy named Cohutta from the mountains of Georgia worth almost $20,000 on the other side. That's a pretty attractive target for any of the guys on our team."

And they're off!

Commercial. Of course.

And we're back! Kenny interviews that this is gonna be great because it's the smallest guy in the house vs. the oldest guy in the house. "The odds are stacked against both of them." I don't quite get this. Anyhoo, they're strapped to this log thing by their ankles and wrists and once they reached the end, they had to unhook themselves from the caribeeners and get to some key. Syrus beat Cohutta to his platform but was totally struggling to get out while Cohutta took a deep breath and took his time. Cohutta unhooked himself and rang the gond before Syrus.

Tiny Cohutta lives to fight another day! I love him.

TJ tells Syrus it "sucks really bad" that he lost. Hahahaha. Then he points out that he was totally winning and totally lost it at the end. Oh god, he's coming back? When was Real World Boston? Ten years ago? He's still doing these things? Please, Syrus, you seem like a decent human being, stop doing these things.

Anyhoo, now it's the girls' turn. They are struggling much more than the guys to get themselves across the log thing. Casey interviews that it must be harder for the girls because they don't have as much muscle mass. KellyAnne interviews that her arms have gone limp from having to hold up all her weight and can't use them for leverage anymore and worries that she might lose. She keeps chugging along, though.

Commercial.

And we're back! She looks to be ahead of Veronica by a decent amount. Oh, they're holding a key this whole time, which I did not realize. KellyAnne reaches the platform first and says her plan is to remain calm and "collective" (sic), which she does, and easily beats Veronica, who was still hanging from the middle of the log when she hit her gong.

Veronica interviews that they're screwed because they risked losing her and now they're gonna have to do it without her. Um, yeah, they're really gonna be sorry they got rid of you, haha. TJ tells her, "I'm sure we'll see you again."

Back at the house, Cohuttta and KellyAnne are both excited, but both realize that they have the most money, and therefore, are both big targets.

Later on, Derek is sleeping on the top bunk of a bed and Johnny Ballsack decides to "tar and feather" him with maple syrup and brightly colored feathers. When Derek wakes up and is mad, Johnny Ballsack whines that there are 16 people there, why does he get blamed? Um, because you did it? He yells that he's tired of getting blamed for doing annoying shit...that, you know, he did. He's even lost Kenny at this point, who interviews, "he's a fucking idiot!" I guess it takes one to know one.

Anyhoo, next week, the champions are more than happy to keep Casey out of the Ruins since she's so bad, while the challengers want her off their team. Brad tells her that she thinks she deserves to get to the final challenge even though she drags the rest of the team down at every challenge. Nothing in the preview footage suggests that Johnny Ballsack gets kicked in his tiny nuts. Damn.

And I'm out! See ya next week, when hopefully, I'm not sick anymore and will be able to accurately cover more of the d-bag and slutbag action.

This Is It

I went and saw This Is It with my mom and older sister yesterday and I have to say it was totally worth it. Those concerts in London would have been totally awesome. And believe it or not, Michael Jackson actually came across as a normal human being. No Wacko Jacko at all (well, except for the shoulder pad action). He looked completely lucid, not drugged out at all. When he walked in for rehearsals, he had a confident gait. When he sang live, he sang really well (so much for the rumors that his voice was gone). He was also very nice to everyone. Even when he was criticizing someone, he made sure to say that he was saying it "with love" and didn't want to offend anyone. His mind was as sharp as a tack. He knew exactly what he wanted the show to look like and told the show's (and movie's) director, Kenny Ortega, what he meant when he would stop and do something.

The movie wasn't a documentary on his life, so much as a documentary on the making of what would have been an awesome set of concerts. Each segment was centered on a song, which would start with dance rehearsals or scenes being shot in a studio to be used in the stage production. Then it would end with Michael doing a full run-through of the song (complete with dancing - he still totally had it). He also wanted to make sure that certain musicians who were sharing the stage with him got their time in the spotlight. At one point, he pulled Orianthi out to the middle of the stage and encouraged her to play her highest note and rock out saying, "It's your time to shine! This is YOUR time! We'll be right here with you!" That was also matched with footage of his background dancers watching him perform and just being in awe of his presence.

Overall, he came across as a nice guy who appreciated everyone who was supporting him with the shows. He was really in his element. I guess he didn't know how to be normal in real life, but at the very least, on stage, he was able to be himself.

If you haven't seen it yet, I recommend it.

ETA: I guess he was right! It's totally Orianthi's time to shine, check out this article. Interesting tidbit about her being chosen as his official spokesperson for the tour.

RW/RR Challenge liveblogging!!!

Warning: I may be a little distracted tonight, I'm trying to work out some bugs with the new digital recorder I just bought...

Anyhoo, when we last left off, Katie was sent packing by Sarah and Danny (aka ol' lardo) was sent packing by Darell. Oh, and Tonya went crazy and hit Veronica (who totally had it coming). Oh, and Veronica whined that everyone took Tonya's side when she was egging her on the whole time. Boo hoo.

These opening credits just reminded me that Chet is gone. Haha, I love that he went home so early.

Anyhoo, the d-bags are all out on a boat and checking out the sights in Thailand. The boys are all playing beach volleyball and it is really apparent that Evan is Canadian. He does worse in the sun than I do.

Meanwhile, the girls are all frolicking in the water. Cohutta interviews that he still has feelings for KellyAnne because it's not like you can just stop caring about someone. Wes interviews that Cohutta is obsessed with KellyAnne, who has totally hurt him several times.

Back at the house, Johanna and Wes are bitching at each other and she brings up the fact that he has a girlfriend and says it bothers her. He interviews that she doesn't care about their friendship as much as he does.

Later on, Wes tells KellyAnne that Cohutta needs to go home after he whines the camera that Cohutta gets too cozy with KellyAnne when he drinks. Cohutta is harmless, Wes! Leave him alone!

Commercial. God, I hate Comcast. Don't expect to be helped with their live chat function. The idiot couldn't figure out the problem, so she marked the issue as resolved and closed the chat. What the deuce?

And we're back!

The morons get a text telling them their next challenge will be a big party. Susie interviews that she hopes that's the case, because they're really good at that.

Elsewhere, Johanna whines that she hates KellyAnne. Veronica is listening in somewhere and says they're devising a plan in which she'll be nominated. She runs to Evan to whine about this and Susie notices this and heads to a balcony where she can hear this new conversation.

Evan tells Veronica that Susie isn't going to go in because she's volunteered herself every time. She whines that they're all trying to get rid of her. Which they should, I mean, she's useless in the challenges.

Anyhoo, Evan isn't swayed (or doesn't seem to be, anyway). Susie is sitting in a lounge chair looking very satisfied with herself.

Commercial.

And we're back!

Oh man, it is super cold, so please forgive me if I miss a bunch of details. For whatever reason, the heat doesn't seem to like to work in my room, so I am freezing!

Anyhoo, they're on the beach somewhere and are deliberating over the ruins nominees. Sarah is the only girl on her team not nominated since she went in last week and there's like no one else on the team. On the red team, Veronica, Johanna, and Ibis (I think) volunteered themselves. The guys - Evan, Kenny, and Wes.

On the challengers, all the guys are in: Brad, Dunbar, and Cohutta. The girls: KellyAnne, Casey, and Kim.

This challenge involves a gong and building blocks. They have to build a stairway tall enough for them to reach the gong. They have to pull their opponents through some archway before they can start building their staircase.

Since the champions have so many more players, only the nominated guys on the champions are allowed to play. Maybe it's just me, but why should that matter? Shouldn't the team who hasn't lost all of their players get an advantage?

Anyhoo, I know you'll be shocked to hear that Casey was out first. There are players who are supposed to guard these poles. When they get pulled off the pole and are dragged through the previously mentioned arches, they are "out," but can help drag the other team's pole defenders through their team's arches.

Dunbar, Cohutta, and Brad are dragging Wes, who is kicking and flailing. Dunbar is choking Wes while Syrus screams from the sidelines that choking isn't fair. TJ monotones, "you gotta keep your hands off his neck," which doesn't really stop Dunbar.

Commercial.

And we're back! Wes has been dragged across the line and Dunbar interviews that they have "this big Canadian moose" to pull off the pole. He was, of course, referring to King Chubbo Evan.

Since Evan's still out there, the champions have started building their "staircase." Which is really a pile of painted cinder blocks. Sarah referred to it as a "stupid pyramid of cinder blocks." The champions won easily and Evan interviewed that he loves winning American dollars. Is there a theme tonight? A theme involving pointing out that Evan is Canadian?

All the boys on the champions want Wes to go in because they still want him gone even though he helps them win challenges.

Anyhoo, it's time for deliberations. Wes is all, "I assume someone who hasn't gone in yet is going, right?" Kenny and Evan go, "haha, no!" So Wes stands up and picks Cohutta's name. Veronica is all butt hurt that Ibis and Johanna want her to go into the ruins against KellyAnne. He takes it upon himself to defend Veronica (because, as Johanna points out, he wants to keep KellyAnne from going in). It comes down to a vote for the girls. Johanna and Ibis vote for Veronica vs. KellyAnne. Veronica votes for herself vs. Kim. Wes and Evan said they thought she should pick, so since it was a tie, the rest of the team has to come in and vote, too. Wes looks way too happy about this.

Commercial. I'm kind of confused. I don't know if it's a tie so they get to revote about which girl is going in or if they're just going to vote on her opponent.

Anyhoo, they call come back in. This is retarded, everyone voted for Veronica to go in. Why is this an issue. Syrus votes for Ibis vs. Kimberly. Derek says he's gonna "go with the flow." Susie says "Veronica and KellyAnne." Why is everyone voting for Ibis vs Kimberly now? What the deuce? Ibis is understandably pissed. Veronica got the last word and with a shit-eating grin, votes Ibis in.

OK, that rule is just plain dumb. Everyone voted Veronica in, it was just her opponent that they were split on.

After it's all over, Wes went and told Cohutta he was going in. Cohutta interviews that Wes has a long history of beating the dogshit out of people in these challenges. In the girls' room, Ibis is stewing over the lame vote. Johnny Ballsack hasn't gotten any screentime tonight, so he shows up and decides he's going to try to explain what happened to Ibis, who, again, understandably, doesn't want to hear it. She tells him to shut the fuck up and he whines and says he's not going to say anything anymore in this challenge and puts tape over his mouth. Yay! Except he keeps talking. He won't even shut up with the damn tape over his mouth. Susie calls ballsack the bane of her existence on these challenges, but I couldn't hear why because he was still talking.

Commercial.

And we're back! Ibis is particularly upset at Derek because they were on the same Road Rules season. He creeps into the room and she tells him she'd rather not talk to him. He interviews that Veronica has been doing a better job on the challenges. I'm sorry, I think he misspoke. Veronica gives free blowjobs.

Anyhoo, Johanna is bitching about Wes to KellyAnne. KellyAnne bitches to Wes about Johanna. She thinks he needs to stop being friends with her. Wes interviews that he's totally mad at Johanna.

Elsewhere, Cohutta interviews that he knows he's going in because Wes thinks he was "getting a little sweet on KellyAnne." KellyAnne was in the room telling him not to be sad when he goes home.

I'm kind of torn here. I never thought I wanted to see Wes stay, only because I hate him. But he's the archnemesis of the d-bag committee, so I kind of want him to stay. On the other hand, Cohutta! He's so cute! I want to put him in my pocket!

Tonight's Ruins involves weaving themselves in and out of some sort of netting system? I don't know. They have to pull ropes behind them or something? I don't understand this at all. KellyAnne says Wes is stressing her out. Kenny interviews that Cohutta might actually win and hopefully they'll be free of the "red-headed idiot." Wes is frustrated as we go to...

Commercial.

And we're back! Cohutta's totally beating Wes, who finally seems to figure out what he's doing. Anyhoo, as soon as I typed that, Cohutta won fairly comfortably. KellyAnne is in shock and says she feels bad. Wes, shockingly, was a good sport and gives Cohutta a hug. Cohutta interviews that he feels 10 feet tall and bulletproof. He's so cute!

No one really cares that Wes is going home except for KellyAnne. Wes walked over and said he did terrible things, but that they all had good qualities and he respects them very much.

Anyhoo, Ibis and Kim are about to start whatever this challenge is. All's I know is they go over some bamboo pole, grab a rope, and go back under. Cohutta tells Kimberly not to tangle up her rope or she'll lose (like Wes). It looks like Ibis is losing, and uh, yeah, she just lost.

How shitty, Veronica and her shit-eating herpes-ridden grin should have gone home. Ibis was a good sport about it and wished Kim good luck. I hope those assholes feel like the pieces of shit they are. They kept Veronica around for the free BJ's with a side of the herp.

Kenny, ever the class act, interviews that Ibis was their anchor.

Back at the house, Susie and Kim ask how Johanna feels about Wes being gone and called her out on tearing up when he lost. She interviews that she's confused about her feelings for Wes. Later on, she tells KellyAnne and the rest of the girls that she felt bad that he was all frustrated, and then interviews that she knows she doesn't like KellyAnne, but isn't sure why.

Next week, Veronica whines about no one liking her, and the team finally realizes how annoying Johnny Ballsack is.

I'm out! See ya next week!

so the Scientology spokesman is crazier than he looked on Nightline

I didn't realize that he showed up at ABC's studios demanding that they not show the footage 45 minutes before it was going to air, hahaha. What a loon!

Also? Big ups to France for refusing to acknowledge Scientology as a religion. They must have something major on the uppity ups in the IRS.

Scientology is like Fight Club

The first rule of Scientology is don't talk about Scientology.

A commenter on Gawker pointed out that the guy managed to imply that the whole idea of aliens in volcanoes was offensive, but he actually said that asking him to talk about it was offensive.

Scientologists are nutjobs. If I go missing, you know what happened...

This just in: Oscar winning director (writer?) Paul Haggis publicly resigned from Scientology today. And laid the smacketh down on the cult in doing so. If he goes missing, you know what happened!

I feel like this post belongs on the Beehive

(see blog list)



(pic: work clothes to the right, casual clothes to the left)

Yesterday, the closet rod snapped in two. When I went to fix it, I encountered a few problems, one of which I had been aware of for some time, but was too lazy to do anything about.

The MAJOR problem with the closet in my room is that somehow, the builders managed to craft a closet without any studs in it. I decided the best fix would be to put a board across the back wall anchor it to the corners of the closet where, surely, there has to be some kind of wood reinforcing the drywall. This is where I ran into another problem. I measured from the middle of the closet where the rod would be placed. I cut the board and the new rod to fit just a smidge smaller than the measurement of the width of the closet. Well, the rod fit, but the board did not. Which necessitated several trips to the garage to shave off minuscule amounts of wood with the new chop saw.

Once I got the sizing right, I slid the board in and quickly secured them with a nail gun (not an air-powered one, just a simple cordless black and decker brad gun) and then hunted down some screws to secure my new "stud" system.

Once the board was in place, I put a screw in on the right side and slid the rod-hanger (I have no idea what it's called) into place and then tightened the screw around it. Then I hunted down the laser level in order to mark out two more screw spots (I had three rod-hangamajiggees before, but the lack of studs obviously created a support problem). I hung all three rod-mobiles and secured them with a second screw at the bottom of whatever those contraptions are called and hung the rod. Just to make sure, I placed a level on top of the rod and the bubble was right in the middle.

It took way longer than it should have, but I hung all my clothes back up and there is no bend to the rod like there was before. The middle rod-thingy also appears to be securely fastened to the wall this time around, so hopefully I don't have do go through this rigmarole again anytime soon.

I should have taken some before pics, but I was pretty annoyed at the time and didn't feel like whipping out the camera. I did include a broken piece of the previous rod along with the millions of extra hangers that I am now left with. I didn't discard any clothes, so I'm not quite sure how that happened. Oh, and I went downstairs for a minute and found another rod thingamajig and it's apparently called a shelf and rod bracket. Now that has me thinking I should lower the shelf that's currently in the closet...I'll leave that for another day.



The shelf and rod bracket. AKA the thingamajig.




The broken rod and my new collection of hangers.

RW/RR Challenge liveblogging!!!

Welcome to tonight's addition of me suffering through an hour of assholes, douchebags, and drunken sluts!

When we last left off...wtd? Is it not on tonight? Is it starting later? Ugh. I don't want to have to stay up late to watch this shit! Now, there's an aftershow for last week's show. OK, is it not an aftershow? What the fuck, MYV?

OK, I guess it's a regular episode and MTV screwed up. Katie is drunk and is beating people's beds with a toilet plunger. Kenny makes a lot of sexist comments in interviews, and is enjoying messing with a drunk Katie.

Meanwhile, Dunbar, KellyAnne, and Brad are talking about what needs to be done to stop losing people.

ELsewhere, Tonya is SUPER drunk. Cohutta says the d-bags have been taking advantage of her constant drunkenness the whole time because she makes herself an easy target. Evan interviews that it's always fun to pick on the confused kid.

They're throwing powder on her face and she's crying and pissed.

Commercial.

And we're back. Tonya's crying and telling Katie that her life outside of these challenges is pretty bad. No offense, but it doesn't seem like your life inside these challenges is all that great, either. She cries that she needs to stop drinking.

Brad interviews that Tonya is recently divorced and needs to get her shit together. Ibis says that to her face (in a nice way).

Kim and Katie are talking about how Kenny and Evan keep crossing the line of what's appropriate and add that they just use girls and get rid of them.

The T-Mobile Sidekick message told the morons to bring their swimsuits to the next challenge.

Later on, Katie is on a rampage about someone putting a toilet plunger in her bed again. She accuses Kenny and Even, but notices that Sarah is laughing, so she starts pointing and yelling at her. Katie tells her to leave and then interviews not to fuck with her when she has a plunger in her bed. I get that that's happened twice in a row on this challenge, but does that happen to her a lot?

She continues on her tirade even though Sarah has left, calling her fat with tattoos, and accuses her of wanting to make out with Kenny and Evan. Everyone in the room just kinds of sits there while she goes crazy. Hell hath no fury like a girl with a toilet plunger in her bed. For reals, yo.

Commercial.

And we're back! Sarah is crying to Kenny and Evan and says she hopes she didn't hurt Katie's feelings. They told her that Katie is just one person, and she has to be mean to somebody. Kenny interviews that they want to make her feel welcome...on top of their dicks!!! They didn't say that, but they thought it.

Anyhoo, time for today's challenge. It's matchmaking time and Katie and Susie volunteer themselves, then Susie whines, "I thought Tonya was volunteering herself." Tonya says they should vote on it, and of course, they vote her in. Darell, Derek, and Johnny are in for the guys. I wasn't paying attention to who was in for the Challengers, but I know Casey was one of them.

Tonight's challenge involves them setting a raft on fire. I think they have to build some bridge and use it to run across with a torch. Katie interviews that she'll be the torch-runner since she hates the ocean, "it's not one of [her] strong points."

Wes, meanwhile, is the first to dive out and get directions or some shit? Anyhoo, he takes the opportunity to tell us all that he's a three-time state champion swimmer, so it's no big. Brad, meanwhile, said he wanted to pike after breathing in some seawater.

Sarah swims out super fast and the d-bag posse tells her that she has to move fast. Never mind the fact that right before her, Veronica was moving hella slow. Anyhoo, the second she hits the water, Kenny yells, "Tonya, you moron!" How supportive!

So I guess what they're doing is swimming out to these platforms and hooking them together to build a bridge. While I was explaining that, Casey swam out and totally screwed the pooch. Like, she flopped herself onto one of the platforms and then rolled off. Evan, naturally, was enjoying this turn of events.

Commercial.

And we're back!

Casey is still out there flopping around like a drunk fish while the Champions keep sending more and more people out to the platforms. Seriously, what the deuce is Casey doing? Oh man, Danny's gotten quite pudgy, hasn't he? As has Evan, but I was gonna be nice and not mention it.

While I was noticing how much Evan and Danny have eaten since the last challenge, Katie made her way out to the platform and set the raft on fire. Danny interviews that he feels like a puppet on the Champions' strings and he doesn't want to go into the Ruins.

Darell volunteers to go in and says he'll take Danny in because he wouldn't mind pulling "ol' lardo around." They seriously cut to footage of him cramming burgers into his mouth.

Katie volunteers herself and says shed like to pick her opponent. Johnny Ballsack says that strategywise, they should keep Casey in the game because she's a pathetic loser. Katie says she's fine with the object the target of her tirade, Sarah.

Susie walks out and tells her that she hated being a part of Sarah getting voted in, but Sarah says she's fine with it.

Oh, guess what? Tonya's drunk again. Ibis is in disbelief (why?) and Tonya is apparently making the rounds with her drunkenness. She's hanging out with Wes and sees a moth flying around. She proceeded to catch it...and EAT IT. WHAT THE FUCK???

Now, she's out on the patio with Veronica and some other ho who I wasn't paying attention to, and Veronica brought up the time on the challenge when Tonya was jacking off with other people in the room.

Veronica then goes to where the big group is and starts talking shit about Tonya while everyone agrees that Tonya is batshit crazy. Tonya comes in and hears this and throws a bowl of ramen at Veronica, who laughs in her face and calls her crazy. Tonya claims to be sober (even though she was shown washing down that moth with a can of beer). What the deuce? Did Tonya just claim to be half Veronica's age?

Wes, meanwhile, interviews that all Veronica needs to do to end this is to say, "look, we're all a little drunk here, why don't we take a break." Which seems reasonable, but none of these people are reasonable. When Tonya leaves, Veronica races to get in front of her and her face is immediately met by Tonya's hand slapping it.

Commercial.

And we're back! Tonya is beating the shit out of Veronica. Well, not really, she hit her in the head several times and grabbed her hair. Wes jumped in between them and wrestled them to the ground. Wes is hugging Tonya and tells her everything will be alright while Veronica smiles. Evan tells Veronica to leave and Veronica pretends to not know why she should have to leave. Evan's like, "you know why, now get the fuck out of here! It's gone far enough!" Cohutta had interviewed that they should have stopped this before it got to that point.

Tonya is taken out of the house and all the d-bags are talking about the situation and telling Veronica that she knew better because Tonya is a crazy person. "You're a rational adult, she's not." Veronica whines that no one's taking her side. Well, why should they? Tonya was leaving the room and you got in her face and called her a fucking crazy person.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Evan's trying to act like they should all be nice to Tonya because she has all these problems. He then tells them all that, "look, we've all been mean to Tonya and picked on her." Wes points out, rightfully so, as much as I hate to admit it, "I haven't. Derek hasn't. Cohutta hasn't." So it's basically just Kenny, Evan, and Ballsack riding together on this one. But now that they feel bad, they're trying to make it seem like it was everyone picking on them, not just their cabal of cockfaces. The cabal of cockfaces is indignant at such a thing being pointed out and start yelling about Wes thinking he's Dr. Phil. What?

Anyhoo, commercial.

And we're back!

Katie and Derek are hanging out on the patio talking about how they haven't seen this much infighting. She also says that this is her last challenge. Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I'll believe that when I fucking see it!

She says she wants to win and leave on a good note because she's ready to get married and have kids (she has a fiance at home). Everyone who's going in interviews that they're confident. Fatty, I mean, Danny, says that he KNOWS he's coming back. Sarah tells her team that she came here to do two things: kick ass and chew bubble gum. And she's all out of bubble gum. Everyone thinks that's so clever and laughs.

Tonight's Ruins is O-ring. Each d-bag will be suspended in midair and will try to wrestle the ring away from their opponent. The first person to wrestle it away twice wins. Dunbar interviews that this looks to be Katie's game because she has "sick hand strength." How does he know this? SUCIO!!!

Anyhoo, she wrestled the ring away from Sarah, who interviewed that Katie flipped her off and was talking shit, and then claimed that that kind of thing only made her stronger. Hahaha. Sarah rips the ring away in the second round and yells, "that's for you!" Katie replied, "fuck you, you fat bitch!" The final round starts and of course, it's time for...

Commercial.

And we're back! They're both staring at each other and not giving up while Brad interviews that this is a catfight. Sarah wins and yells, "yeah! yeah! yeah! Enjoy the plane flight!" Katie flips her off and I have to say, I'm kind of sad to see her toilet plunger swinging ass go home. Sarah certainly didn't seem to care about hurting Katie's feelings anymore, haha. Nice sportsmanship. I used to like her, but she's lame. She should have been a bigger person and not responded to Katie's mess.

Anyhoo, Darell and Danny are up and they're spinning around and shit. Darell interviews that he's just hanging on for the ride. Darell pulled the ring away from Danny and is up 1-0. KellyAnne yelled to Danny, "yeah! The same thing happened to Sarah! Now you know what's up!" Danny wrestles the ring away from Darell and we're all tied up.

Danny interviews that he knows he has to kill it or he's going home. Looks like he's going home. Darell pulled the ring away from "ol' lardo" and Brad interviews that they're down to three guys.

Danny, unlike Katie, says he'll be back. TJ then informs the d-bags that since Tonya went home, her winnings get deposited until the end, so the winners get a little extra.

Back at the house, Sarah is gloating and soaking up the attention from Kenny and Susie. Susie interviews that they're happy that the crazy people are gone, but they're pretty sure Veronica will be going home soon.

I hear Evan on the bottom bunk of a bed whispering about how they have to keep their heads above water and assume he slinked back into Veronica's bed...but then the camera went behind the covers that were obscuring the bottom bunk and it was Kenny that he was in bed with.

Kenny interviews that everyone thinks they're a bunch of chauvinists, and then says, "when someone comes to you and says they can't swim or they can't run or they can't do whatever, what do you do? They're useless at that point!" Which, I guess he does have a point there, but why do they act like it's only the girls who are bad competitors?

Next week: the girls are all feeling the heat since they know the boys always want to get rid of the girls (one of each goes home every week, so I don't quite get it). Also, the challenge must involve kidnapping an opposing team member, because I see three blue shirts carrying a writhing Wes down the beach. Also? Wes says Cohutta's going home next, "and wouldn't you rather I take his money than anyone else?"

And I'm out! See ya next week!

Halloween costume ideas

I always think of the best Halloween costume ever but never write it down and forget it by the time Halloween rolls around. So now, I'm asking you, 6 readers, what should I dress up as for Halloween? Buff is going to be a squirrel this year. We'll see how that goes since the squirrel in the back yard is her archenemy. Should I be a Mountie or a moose a la Rocky and Bullwinkle? I have an aviator hat that I can put on Buff to make her Rocket J. Squirrel. I don't know anything else about that show other than the squirrel's awesome name.



If I want to go with current events, I could wear a sauna suit over my fatsuit and go as the Heene family's publicity stunt.

Maybe I could make fun of all the department stores who've decided it's Christmas already and dress up as a rack of Christmas items.

I feel like I don't have terribly good ideas this year. Feel free to comment with some ideas!

RW/RR Challenge liveblogging!!!

Once again, I can't believe I'm going from Glee to this trash. Well, let's see what happened last week:

The d-bags pulled a d-bag move on lady d-bag Ev. Shauvon popped her implant. Wes and Ev yelled at the other d-bags. Ev kicked stuff around the house. Ev threw the Ruins matchup. Wes beat Nick (who's Nick?).

Cue culturally insensitive opening credits with the morons wearing Karate Kid-inspired outfits.

We begin with Casey talking about how amazing it is to go out on a boat. Sarah interviews that she feels like she can go far in this game. Evan interviews that he'd love "to get a Thai rubdown from Veronica." Klassie.

Tonya climbs up on some ladder and they all yell at her, then she's seen making out with some random local girl, throwing up off the side of the boat, and making out with the random local girl again.

Back at the house, Evan is plotting a way to get in Veronica's pants. It shouldn't take much plotting, Vanessa's a slut, she'll sleep with anyone if she thinks they can keep her in the game.

Ugh. I hare Danny and his dumb bandana. He's plotting with Brad and Adam about how they can finally win a game, and they say they're stepping up and are willing to sacrifice.

Meanwhile, it's now a totally different time of day and Wes is complaining to Evan about how they're treating him. He asks if they're gonna be fair about how they pick people for the Ruins, and Evan's like, "no." Wes rightfully says that they're all pieces of shit. He tells Evan that he has to be a good person. Evan gets mad and is all, "you're being selfish! You're all about you, telling me I'm selfish." "No, I'm calling you selfish and a shower...walk." Hahaha. Then Evan got up and walked away. I'm surprised he didn't have any snarky comments to come back with. Actually, I'm not.

Commercial.

And we're back! Wes is confronting the d-bags about their d-bag move last week and said they were totally blindsided and it was totally lame on their part. They agree, but then also play the victims and say that they're in the dark about whether or not he's going to throw challenges or not. Then he says he's donating all his money to a charity that will teach kids to not be douchebags like all of the people on the show, including himself. Why weren't they playing 7th Heaven music in the background? They totally should have. Or that music they played on Full House when Danny Tanner or Uncle Jessie were teaching the kids a very serious lesson.

Needless to say, the d-bags weren't buying it and basically said they don't care. Cyrus thinks Wes should always go in. When did Cyrus become such a d-bag? They said Cyrus and Derek are going in. Johnny Ballsack says they shouldn't make him go in unless he does bad in the challenge. Kenny, of course, wants to throw him in every time.

Commercial.

And we're back!

After Wes left, they all talked shit. Wes continued talking about how he wants to change people's lives (the children! won't somebody please thing about the children!!!). Evan says he needs to lead by example. Then he interviews that Wes is the devil's spawn.

Susie says the people with power are the six people who are nominated for the Ruins each week, so she tells Evan that she's willing to nominate herself every week. Then she interviews that Evan's totally the leader of the team, so she's all about getting in an alliance with him. Why does everyone worship this guy? Why do they worship Kenny and Johnny Ballsack? I guess asking that would imply that these people have standards, but they clearly don't, so I shouldn't ask these questions.

Adam, Brad, and Danny tell their team that they have to be aggressive about the Ruins, so they volunteer themselves.

Kenny, Cyrus, and Evan nominate themselves, which leads Wes to believe that they think he's so great for wanting to help the children. Kenny interviews that they don't care about his speech, they're just giving him the week off so he'll play nice.

With regard to the girls, everyone says Veronica should nominate herself since she's the only one who hasn't volunteered herself. Kenny and Cyrus were all, "yeah, that sounds good." Evan, who wants to get herpes, was all, "hell no! I vote for Tonya!" Everyone else was all, "dude, she already went in!" "I don't care, I vote for Tonya!" Kenny interviews that Veronica was clearly hoping that Evan would have more pull than he really does, but it backfired, so she's in the nominated 3. Sorry, I don't remember who the other two were, but that's not important now.

In the meantime, they're starting the challenge which involves running some sort of obstacle course where they can't touch the ground, so they have to build a human bridge to run across.

Casey interviews that she doesn't want to be stepped on literally or figuratively. Cohutta's the runner for the Challengers and Derek is the runner for the Champions. So far, each runner has touched the sand once, so they're even. Oh, I didn't explain that if they touch the sand, they have to "rebuild" the bridge.

Commercial.

And we're back! Sarah interviews that the object of the game is to get the runner from point A to point B without ever touching the sand.

Ibis uses her interview time to complain about how she's hot and sweaty and grossed out by this challenge. Is she new? They do challenges that are actually gross. This is not gross. You know what's gross? Veronica's disease-ridden crotch.

Anyhoo, back to the action. The Challengers won. Cohutta's accent is cute as always. "We got a we-in!"

The d-bags are going back to the house to decide who's gonna go into the Ruins. Danny suddenly remembers that he volunteered himself, so he might be going in. Brad tells the team that he's voting Casey in. KellyAnne interviews that Casey sucks, so she should go in.

Casey interviews that she doesn't want to go into the Ruins reasoning, "if it comes down to me and you, I'm gonna pick you!" OK, thanks. I don't think I'm up for elimination, but it's good to know.

Adam suggests a secret ballot. Brad says, "the longer you wait to go in, the worse it gets." Casey looks like she's gonna vomit.

Commercial.

Brianna and Adam got voted in and Adam interviewed that he didn't know how Danny and Casey didn't get voted in. Adam chose Cyrus and Brianna chose Susie. Brianna said she chose her because Susie's never lost a one-on-one game, and she wants to be the one who beat her.

Adam went and told Cyrus he picked him and the girls got all mad that Adam didn't tell them. He was all, "if they want to tell you, they'll tell you." Susie weirdly got mad and told him to get out. Seconds later, Brianna walked in and told Susie she picked her. Susie interviewed that she's about to teach Brianna a lesson. I'm sorry, but Susie is a bitch disguised as a sweet innocent little girl. I hope she gets her ass kicked.

Adam, meanwhile, is chatting by the pool with Cohutta (who can do no wrong) and says Casey has proven herself to be a liability over and over, but no one wanted to say anything.

Elsewhere, at nighttime now, Brianna is telling Evan that she thinks she was voted in because she's a rookie. Is that Casey sitting right next to her? I think it is, hahaha. Casey's sitting there crying while Brianna talks about how there are people there (coughCASEYcough) who suck at life. Hahaha. Classic.

Commercial.

And we're back!

Totally extreme guitar music is playing, so you know this is gonna be totally hardcore! TJ is going to explain the challenge. Tonight's challenge is going to be called burnout. There's some sort of Rube Goldberg contraption that will send water down some trough to put out the opponent's fire.

Susic is whining that she's totally caught off guard by the fact that she's getting water in her bucket or some shit. Then she turns the tide and beats Brianna. Damn. That means more Susie. She takes the money from Brianna's bank account and interviews that she's happy that she's undefeated. She also claims that she's not gonna get cocky.

Briana looks like she's gonna cry when she interviews that she knows her team knows that she's strong. Oh, so this thing works by the guys using some sort of steering wheel device to control some contraption to try to get water to go into their bucket, which will then dump into a trough and pour onto a fire pit. This is so dumb.

Commercial.

And we're back! The song playing in the background indicates that this is a tough battle. Adam says he feels like he's getting more water in his bucket. Wes, wearing a pink shirt, interviews that it's nice to be a spectator for once. Adam interviewed that he was feeling really good about it, which means...he totally lost. Cyrus takes the money from his account and Adam goes home.

Dunbar is shocked and says he doesn't want to lose another guy. Adam interviews that he didn't think he'd be going home so early, and is leaving with a bitter taste in his mouth. I suppose that's better than leaving with the taste of blood in your mouth like last time, huh?

Anyhoo, back at the house, the Challengers are like, "dude, we lost two people again!" Meanwhile, the d-bags are all drinking and celebrating.

Veronica and Evan are out on the balcony talking about getting. it. on. Veronica says she doesn't care if his feelings for her are genuine or not, because she's lonely and needs her 'gina hole filled up at all times. She didn't say that, but we know that's what she meant. Gross.

Next week: Casey says she's peeing in her pants about having to go in. Tonya gets drunk (shock) and some of the d-bags do shit to her while she's drunk. Then it looks like she hits Veronica. Awesome.

Anyhoo, I'm out! Thanks for reading!